Hello! I have a lot to say. I am trying to keep it short.There are lot of issues in my family.One among them is - My dad and mom had parted ways when I was 4 years old. My dad is a psycho. He always troubles our family. There are lot of issues between us in the court and police. I and my mom are currently in my grandparent's house.I do not have a sibling and cousin. I have two cousins,but they are kids.So, I dont have anyone to share my feelings. I do not have friends because no one in this world is interested to help with other's problems. Everyone wants to have friends only just to have fun. No one is true to no one. I just have friends only for formality both in school and college. I am not in touch with my school friends because of the reason I mentioned above. I am currently doing my 2nd year college. I dont like the friends circle here. It was not as expected. I have 2 good friends around me in college. But they too dont understand my problems. Even though they know that I have many issues in my life,they speak only about college matter and other fun stuffs. I always suppress all my feelings inside me since my school life and I got used to that. Now, it has led me into trouble. I cant tolerate it anymore. I want a person to share my feelings and I too want to be true to that person. I need either a friend, cousin, sibling like person or a life partner. I am a loyal,caring, trustable and helping minded person and I need a person with the same qualities for me. I never leave people and run away during their toughest times.But it is hard to find people who do the same to me. It is not possible in this world.

I joined BFSc course in college with my own,whole hearted interest. But I am unable to focus on it even though I want to. I am zero now. I dont know what to do. I feel jealous by seeing people with siblings. They help each other in difficult times and by seeing that I always feel that I dont have anyone for me. It puts me into so much stress. I lack concentration and focus in things I love to do. I got addicted to phone by playing games,listening to music and watching videos because i dont have any true people around me to speak with. I am lagging in everything in my life. I always overthink. I have insomnia. I have fear to mingle with people because my dad always troubles whoever are our close friends or relatives. Surely most of my friends will not be friend with me if my dad troubles them too. Because my friends cant understand my issues. They have been brought up by their parents so happily without facing any issues. So if they know about my dad , they will surely dont be friend with me. ( I am not assuming it.I promise. I analyse people so deeply and correctly. 90% ).

I and 3 of my friends usually walk to our college after getting down from the bus daily. One is a boy and the other 3 are girls. We are dayscholars. My dad once saw us walking together in the road. He came to a temple in that road. I suddenly stopped speaking to my friend and walked fast in front so that my dad will not trouble them. But he went behind and spoke with that boy and asked why he spoke with me. That boy is my good friend . He told that I am his friend. And then my dad warned him and went immediately. My dad did this to give mental torture to me. He didnt mistake that boy. And then when I went near my friend and asked what he said, my friend told no problem we can go. And then I asked him again. Then he told me what my dad said. I called my mom and she apologised to my friend. My friend told he did not mistake me and it is not an issue. He is a good friend . But my doubt is from that day to till now he did not ask me what is the issue between me and my father. He did not ask me what problem i am facing in my life. He always speaks only about fun stuff daily in college. So , i feel he is not a true friend . He only wants to have fun with me. He is good,loyal, helping minded person. But I dont understand why my friends dont care about my issues.

My dad may again come to that road and make more trouble than before. My fear is people around me in that road may mistake the problem and think that I am not obeying my dad. So I feel helpless. My mom told about that incident to the court and the judge warned my dad. But as I told my dad is a psycho he will trouble us again.

In future wherever I go for work or higher studies , there also my father may trouble me , and I feel that people around me wont help me and understand me. That is my major problem. Most of the people in this world are selfish and dont want to help others. I feel so depressed nowadays. I am helpless. I have mentioned here only some of my issues. A lot are there...Please help me out. I am helpless.

i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

I should start with some back ground. My girlfriend and I were together for 2 years and a little more. There is a 2 year gap between us (me being the older one) and we have both dated here and there before but it is safe so say that within our young lives we were probably each other's, atleast mine first serious romantic relationship and that too in our early 20s. During our first year together she felt the need to explore her sexuality ( her friends had somehow convinced her that if I loved her I would let her find out her identity, that it was nrcessary and that meant having sexual relations with others). I am a quite a monogamous person and as such I was against it. A little after our 1st anniversary and when I was out of station for a month for an internship, she kind of cheated on me ( her, her bisexual friend and that friend's friend, a lesbian got drunk and my gf had sex with the lesbian) she regretted it and I could never truly forgive her for it. I just pushed through since it can't be changed and I loved her. I still do. 3 weeks or so back she got drunk at a club and cheated on me. Again. Confessed to me by herself while crying. I asked for space. I knew I still loved her. This was just a few weeks after our 2nd anniversary. Even so I knew I could never forgive her. She had family problems as well and I couldn't tell her parents and break their hearts so I acted normal and pushed through despite knowing that I won't forgive her and my trust in her had taken a huge blow. The following week she got molested so I put it all aside and decided to focus on taking care of her. A week(last week) later she told me that she was traumatized, could trust or feel anything for anyone, not even love towards me and that she needed space to heal. I did oblige, just asking now and then how she is feeling. By the 2nd night she, stopped talking to me and last friday when I called she was at some guy's place i didn't know with her friends and I was concerned but she told me that i am not her partner at that moment and as such I should stop being this way. I was hurt. That night I told her that due to her actions I am insecure and if she were to do something physical with someone despite promising that she would come back to me I wouldn't be able to take it and would break up with her as I would feel being taken for granted and I felt I have been disrespected enough. Also she may take her time to heal but I can't stay around for an infinite amount of time while she stays with no strings attached as it wrecked me with anxiety. We broke up then as she would not agree with me... It felt horrible. The following day I spent it crying and it was last friday. On friday night she told me that she did go ahead and makeout with 2 other guys in that 3,4 day period and... I just. I love her I still do. I spent every minute on her, lost friends and now... I am alone. I hate it that I love her so much that a part of me still feels like going back but I know it won't be right. There is this void I feel. Everything I did... I had her to speak to and now... I am alone. No one to share my moments with. The memories crash on me and I break down at random moments and mixed with this lonliness... I am tired and ao drained... I don't know what to do. I love her. I don't hate her and don't want to. I just don't know how to stop feeling so horrible all the time. I can't connect with anyonw because for 2 straight years it was just me and her and I sacrificed everything for her. I feel so lost... and alone.

Never thought I'd want to discuss my private life on a public app, but here we go.

I’m male, 32 years old, successful in my career, and live with my 34-year-old partner. We’re in a tough spot right now, we’ve been together for 2 years, and I feel it’s time for some serious commitment. I want a family (perhaps am not that much excited about the wedding tumult, do not mind making it official though). My partner wants to have kids, and she says her biological clock is ticking. We’ve been tiptoeing around this topic for months, and the more pressured I feel, the less rational it all seems.

I value my carefree life, working from home, the fact that we can go on vacations anywhere we want at any time. I don’t even think my partner is ready to babysit around the clock. It’s just her version of an ideal family (she has two sisters). Can it be that being the only child made me a bit self-centered?

I begin to wonder if we’re not suited for each other. Is it even possible to find a child-free partner at my age? I’m curious about similar experiences with spouses who didn’t want kids, or may be who changed their mind when they did have kids. Thanks in advance!