TL;DR : I have trauma but i am the only one who can support my family, my family have problem with each other, my 2 brothers is unemployed at age 35 and my parents want them to look for a job. I need suggestion about path that i choose, do i ask my 2 brother to left house to gamble if they can look for a job, if fail then it will worsen my mother health. do i stay home but it will eat up my mental health and worsen my trauma? or should i go on a journey and left everything behind?

First thing first, let me introduce my family. me male 21 yo, have 3 brothers (35 yo male, 35 yo male, 40+ yo male), my mother is 59+ yo and my father is 65+ yo. Lets start off from me, I am a final year university student pursuing IT bachelor degree. I have a job with average salary, and have 2 another side job that didn't really pay much. fortunatelly my job is online (IT job and teaching assistant). I have my own share of physical and verbal traume from elementary to high school, from being gank up and beaten up by lot of students, one school and the teachers avoid me because i am "different" and others. Of course i still got the side effect from it, like chest pain, severe anxiety, severe shaking, etc, but i have been having this side effect too long and now i am kinda can hold it off (but not too long).

for my father, he has some dark past like gambling, leaving my mother and my brothers, etc (I only heard the story from my mother and my brothers). but recently my father is kinda responsible and want to fix things up, problem is he still have some pride, and doesnt want to show that he is sorry up front by saying it but only want to do it through his action like helping around.

My mother, supposedly traumatized by my father past, she really hate him. recently my mother always starting up fight because he suspect my father do some stuff and always reminding my father about his past, of course my father denied it. I dont know who to believe honestly, but what i know from my own analyzing is both of them is right and wrong. but my mother is having bad though about my father so she always starting up fight over small problem, though my father isn't so innocent because he sometime hide stuff to buy smoke. honestly i dont know which side is right.

now for my oldest brother, he is the sole income of our family. my father is retired and having lot of debts from the past, so my brother always fill up the money problem. sadly recently my oldest brother got cancer, after 2 years fighting it, he is dead. the last year of his medication, i was helping him plus giving economy support from my recent job. To the point i need to lent some money from credit card, but its not so much (max is my 1-2 months salary) so yeah i can recover. Note that at this point i still fresh learning about my job and i must do my own thesis, and luckily my team for thesis have their own share of problem (my teammate is gone, i cant contact them). so me helping my brother can be said because i cant go on for my thesis because i cant fill my team task. after my brother died, i can contact 1 of my friend (from 2) and he agreed to help but still has its own problem. after some months gone i finally can finish my thesis and in february i will be graduating. The way to finish my thesis is really though, i must babysit my friend so he doesn't give up and left again. Okay back to my oldest brother, because he is gone now i must be the one who will be the sole income of my family. such irony tho, i just got some job and i must help my brother medication then i must support my family.

now for my 2 brothers who is twin, they are 35 yo and they are unemployed with 0 experience. At this day in my country it is impossible to look for a job, and dont start recommending me to ask them to start their own job because they have pride and dont want to do low people job. i tried to tell them but always failed because i am the youngest and i cant handle conflict too much (side effect of my trauma and past). my parents is ashamed because of this and want me to help them look for a job, and its freaking impossible because i cant order them, i only can give them some pointer and THEY DIDN'T DO IT PROPERLY, THEY ONLY DO IT SO THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE TRYING. There is no fking way they will get a job with their attitude, their criteria, and especially their 0 skill and experience.

My mother gotten really sick these past months, especially after my oldest brother dying. my 2 brothers not having a job been a problem to my parents because my parents is ashamed, plus the impact of my oldest brother dying. Now that i almost finished my study, i have path that i must choose. before that let me explain the relationship between my family, lets split my 2 brothers into A and B. so my mother is having a bad relationship with my father and she said herself that she cant live with my father alone. My father is having bad relationship with A because some religious stuff, A and B have problem with each other, and i have problem with B because my brother frame me of something i didnt do, at first i didnt do anything because of i dont want to cause a scene in front of my parents but after that i got the after effect of it by having bad dream about it (everyone know tho if B is framing me, they didnt help me because B is really hysterical and its easier if i back down). do note tho i dont really have good relationship with A.

Now for a path i can choose, or maybe the path that i can think right now :

1. Act as a Villain, ask both of my brother to leave or i dont support the economy. doing so will gamble if my brother left the house then they will be forced to look for a job, or if they fail then it will worsen my mother health. I can try to cover it up, but i dont know how far i can cover it up.
2. Stay home, do nothing, only interfere when conflict happenning or try to do something? i dont know. One thing i know that it will eat my personality, my mental health, i must act as a saint and let my brothers bully me so he wont become hysteric.
3. Left house, goes on journey to cure my trauma. problem is i only have limited money, i dont know if i have enough money to go on journey, cure myself up, plus supporting my family. And i dont know what happen if i left my family alone.

I know i left lot out detail in here, feel free to ask if you want and i will try to answer. Looking forward to any suggestion, Thanks!

Hii there dear readers

I don't know from where I start yet my current love life isn't working.im in long distance relationship Last year Nov 15 my ex and I started having fights he used to fight all the time and used to leave me and threat me at jan 18 I had breakup from three year old realtionship. I was broken I didn't knew what to do at the moment my best friend he was also an broken heart with 11ex he comforted me soo much honestly I realised I have feelings for him and he has to later we started dating and my life was like it became alive,I made him feel complete all was perfect until March 18 came I tried to make new friends outside in discord there some bad people started forcing to send nudes and started harrasing me for 4 hours I was harrassed and I took screenshot how they harassing me and sent to bf in a hope he would help me comfort me later on...he misunderstood all and stopped talking to me became angry blocked me it took 13 days to recover back 13 days miscommunication and like I sent him 5k+ messages with this all his phone got broken and tab he wasn't able to use.only laptop was with him so after patch up he changed like totally he started playing games for 5 to 6 hours and started late reply I used for his reply for weeks and miscommunication due to games he did and many people has suggested me to do breakup with him yet.. I have true feelings so i wasn't able to do so everything went same till 4 months I tried millions of ways to fix relationship and make him spend some time with me yet nothing worked and he is now out of my touch.. last month then a friend provoken him to do breakup with me by saying lies and he belived yet I recovered relationship back in 3 days.i messaged him directly after trying everything that I have started feeling lonely and alone in realtionship he only said oof on that and didn't took any action and continued all.one week ago his exams got finished he got his phone back and he didn't informed me about it I just Sussed on him that how he is using phone late night so I asked him did he got his phone back he said yes and oof with that. His gaming habbit reduced alot this month but new habbit started not being online only which is more upsetting...later I said him 2 days ago that I ain't gonna use phone and maybe last conversation it is between him and me gonna be yesterday he just read chats and replied nothing only asked why not I gonna use phone and replied nothing I said him I love you he said nothing on that I got bad vibes then..today a tarot reader did reading and said that my bf is confused he is with someone else and he is cheating on me I were broken to listen tarot reader also said that he is not choosing me he is choosing someone else and in current time he is thinking to move on....my heart was like broken but then to I feel like my bf Maybe with someone else but he didn't cheating on me as I feel from inside ...but whatever tarot reader said that's also matching with my situation disturbed love life and all. I literally don't know what to do many people and many friends has said to breakup some said he has loosed interest from me some saying he is not good person some saying he is play boy I literally don't know what to do I simply love him and that's all I know I'm just living on past sweeet memories of Jan,Feb and march...but nothing is getting fixed on I directly texted him a week ago to spend time with me I directly said what I feel when he is not with me he said he knows its his fault and said these days he is very busy with training and gym and all that's why he not online or spending time and that time I felt like he as insecurity or angry with me or what i felt at that moment but tarot reveals move on someone else in his life cheating and all....

Yesterday I was confronted with unexpected, devastating news of a loved one passing away from Lupus and it’s weighing heavy on me. I spent the morning journaling my thoughts and feelings but now I’m internally spiralling because I’m worried that could be me any day with me battling ailments of my own. I try not to think or verbalise it because I don’t want to worry others or accidentally speak anything on myself, but every day, in the back of my mind it scares me. It scares the hell out of me that any moment can be my last. While I have faith I’ll be okay for the time being, nothing’s set in stone.

Knowing this, it’s the reason I try to remain kind in every interaction had. It’s why I try to forgive and respond to things with compassion opposed to aggression. I want to leave a positive impact on someone, doesn’t matter how big or small. There’s already so much negativity in the world and kindness costs nothing. Universe forbid any malicious force prospers against me, but if anything happens today or tomorrow I can at least know I lived every day in a way that felt good to me; giving back to my community and others while trying to recover.

I wish I could speak with someone other than my therapist and physicians about my frustrations. There’s so much happening in my life I don’t publicly speak on but just because I’m resilient people don’t understand, someone being able to carry something doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. Venting about my annoyances alleviate some of the heaviness, but taking action does me one better. There’s nothing I can do other than stay hopeful and that’s what I intend to do, but I’m being mindful in the process.

Everyone talks about the loneliness that comes with being single but never the loneliness that comes with bettering yourself. I’ve been in therapy and support workshops for 2 years, doing self-help exercises and practicing self care for just as long, and so much more. I stopped self-harming, chose sobriety, started eating healthier, keep myself hydrated, picked up boxing, and really began pursuing my passions more adamantly.

Post escaping an abusive relationship and taking legal action against my assailant, it opened my eyes to how unappreciative I was of life and that I took everything for granted because I assumed it would always be there. Near end 2022 whooped my ass, but spending the rest of that year actively seeking professional help for myself was the best choice made because today I’m so grateful for everything, especially the little things.

The only setback is, it’s lonely. I want to better myself, for myself before others, but finding like minded people is difficult. Not everyone is ready to confront their traumas and do the work to heal themselves, and that’s okay, but it makes socialising unbearable. I understand that receiving professional help is also a privilege, but where I’m at in my journey, I only want to associate with others travelling the road to recovery.

I don’t want any relation- or friendship built off trauma bonds or people trauma dumping on each other. I don’t want to be around people who gossip, anyone dealing with extreme insecurities or projection issues, people with victim mentalities or superiority complexes. I just want to find a mutually supportive connection where we can learn from and educate one another. I’d like to befriend someone who’s just as open-minded, knowledge-seeking, courageous and driven.

It sucks because sometimes, there are people who’ll purposefully attempt to sabotage you because they don’t like the light you have. They don’t like that you’re bettering yourself because they lack the courage to better themselves and project that onto to you. I’ve experienced it firsthand and everything in between which really has me cool off socialising and encouraged me to be more career-focused.

I don’t have a problem with being alone; I’m an introvert and prefer to hold space with myself. I also don’t mind feeling isolated half the time. Sometimes it’s been to be alone and isolated, but every now and then I wish I had someone I could call a friend.