I am in the process of overcoming depression, but I am having to deal with the consequences of all the bad and wrong decisions I made while being on a very high anxiety and depressive state. Because of that i am constantly fighting guilt and I feel it is making me worse and worse. Everything I did in the past and how it is affecting me now, is affecting my relationships. I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless and so tired of this. I try everyday my best to be ok, to not be the problem anymore but it doesn't go out like that, most of the time I get perceived as selfish, selfcentered and like I lack empathy and coward for not even trying to deal with the situation. I get so easilly overwhelmed and before trying to deal with it, I am so worried that it might be perceived as selfishness and victimism, so I try to hide, I try to stay away so I am not a problem to my family, but that sets me out of other things like being there during hard situations. When something bad is happening the only thing I can do is hide so i don't get in the way and it is so frustrating and exhausting. And of course my famly, my mother-in-law treats me well but behind my back is talking shit about me, I heard her talking to my boyfriend saying I am false and I play the victim and things like that. And specially my boyfriend, he is so hard at me, he asks a lot and I don't think I have the emotional resources to be wht he needs and I know i don't get to know even half of what he is dealing with because of me. This is killing me, it is exhausting, i can't even go away and give myself sometime to get myself together, I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't have anywhere else to go. I am constantly asking myself if I am narcisistic or something like that and that's why all this is happening.

I experience strange feelings....One week I am sad and I lie down, I can't do anything...Another week I am up and cheerful....What it depends on, I don't know. When I am depressed, I feel that emotions leave me and I can't feel anything...and I would like to have some emotions. Life becomes empty and I don't see any meaning in it. I'm not afraid of death for a long time, moreover, I don't treat it badly. In a terrible depression I lie and struggle with my thoughts...I drink alcohol to drown the longing....usually life wins...but I get tired of the struggle. Emotions come up and I come alive. When I'm on the upswing, I want to socialize, I'm fun. But sometimes too much, I behave strangely. I start acting like a real actor, I get into the role and it's weird for others because I say ridiculous things...And I'm embarrassed. Then I run away from people and I'm alone again. ...It's unbearable. I'm split because one half of me is still sensible and the other half is completely mischievous. ...It's so hard to exist...I've already tried to quit living, but I immediately call myself an ambulance, it's my other half that wants to live.

Just been diagnosed with dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder). I wasn’t much surprised, I felt like it since I was 25. I've tried to rebuild my life multiple times, but it’s useless. It’s who I am now, broken and defective for life. I’ve accepted it. The numbness that accompanies my depressive episodes is suffocating, leaving me feeling disconnected from the world and unable to fully engage with my own emotions. I am constantly tired, both physically and emotionally, as though I am merely going through the motions of life without any real purpose or passion. I haven't talked about it with anyone, really. My therapist only talks about how not to make my chronic depression resistant to treatment. He angered me so much when he said I’d been living with PDD for so long I should barely notice it. He worded it in such a way as if it were just a minor inconvenience. Yeah, sure, I can brush my teeth and I still eat, so why not call it manageable? I don’t even know why it angers me so. Taking antidepressants for four years made me seem like a normal person, guess I should be grateful for that? But I don’t feel like it. I’m a walking corpse. Even on the rare days when I feel alive and almost happy, it always comes crashing down on me. I’ve lost interest in things that I loved (such as playing chess and languages). My brain can’t take more than fifteen minutes of pleasure. It defaults back to sadness and questioning my life. Doesn’t last at all. No one knows how I’m struggling internally. Most people won’t understand how truly awful it is to live every day like this, not being able to be happy but not miserable enough to matter. I just tolerate it every day until I go to sleep. Feels like I’m perishing in a slow, consistent, and agonizing manner. It’s so much worse than “normal depression”.

i am 26yo, and ive been going through depression for almost 1 year, im blaming myself for anything bad is happening in my life, i couldnt achieve my goals yet and regret many things i did and didnt do, and i hate myself for this, i am mentally consumed, i cutt off my friends everyone and just isolated my self from the world, i want to do alot of things in my life but my inner self just keep telling me that its too late and i cant do this or anything! Instead i just stay at my room everyday not sleeping well or eating well not motivated to do anything, and tired, i been having delusions, and get panic attacks and anxiaty, whenever i think about my future i lost hope and meaning/purpose of life, i didnt seek help from anyone, i used to live alone, but when i graduated i moved back to my parents house, i thought that my family are the ones suppose to help me through anything, the only person i rely on and consider as my safe place is my mom, i dont have a good relation with my dad and i dont rely on him, but my mom is narcissist and kinda toxic, at my lowest i felt abandoned by her she made my mental health even worst since i moved in, i have a hateful sister that she always feel threatend by me for some reason, she always fake her attitude and her treatment so she can appear as the favorite daughter, and to do so she always have to bring me down and cause me problems with my parents and humiliate me infront of people and her friends, so they would hate me and love her more!! Cuz of my depression i became less tolerating and more violant, so she knows how to get on my nerves everytime she is home, and my parents alwyas on her side they just dont care about my mental health or what i am going through they always blame me for anything and i am always the bad person, i grew up in a toxic enviorenement where there is verbal violance and even physical, now i came to the degree that when i am furious i cant control myself what i say or do i just hurt myself to feel relieved and say mean things, iam scared that i would kill myself one day, i even left the house once, and my mom faint and went to hospital cuz she was scared i would do something harmful to myself then i came back home hoping that things will change no matter how much i communicate about everything with her she just keeps bring me down and as long as my sister in my life, she will always make my life miserable, i cant even focus on myself while living in a toxic house, and i cant live alone rn cuz iam currently unemployed, i love my family no matter how they are or how they treat me but iam so tired they ruining my life as it is already falling apart, idk what to do or where to start,i feel alone without any support, Pls praay for me to get my life on track, i really dont want to live the rest of life like this or do something i will regret!!