I'm split because one half of me is still sensible and the other half is completely mischievous

I experience strange feelings....One week I am sad and I lie down, I can't do anything...Another week I am up and cheerful....What it depends on, I don't know. When I am depressed, I feel that emotions leave me and I can't feel anything...and I would like to have some emotions. Life becomes empty and I don't see any meaning in it. I'm not afraid of death for a long time, moreover, I don't treat it badly. In a terrible depression I lie and struggle with my thoughts...I drink alcohol to drown the longing....usually life wins...but I get tired of the struggle. Emotions come up and I come alive. When I'm on the upswing, I want to socialize, I'm fun. But sometimes too much, I behave strangely. I start acting like a real actor, I get into the role and it's weird for others because I say ridiculous things...And I'm embarrassed. Then I run away from people and I'm alone again. ...It's unbearable. I'm split because one half of me is still sensible and the other half is completely mischievous. ...It's so hard to exist...I've already tried to quit living, but I immediately call myself an ambulance, it's my other half that wants to live.