Hi, sometimes processing the death of your loved ones is a very painful process. I do not want to justify your friend’s actions and the way he ignored your message, but try to look at it less emotionally. He is having a hard time, he probably doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, right now he is being selfish because he suffers. Maybe he wanted to invite you and later on began to doubt whether he has the mood needed for meeting you, and he didn’t know how to tell you. He may be avoiding you because he now feels uncomfortable to suggest anything else, being unsure of himself.
TL;DR don’t think too bad about him for now. Give him the distance he said he needed and wait for him to make those steps.
I know it's very unpleasant when someone does not give us as much attention and love as we want from them. I would return his contact back, if possible, just to give him the chance to contact you when he feels safe. Do not be too quick to agree to a meeting when he asks you out again. It may very well be he's going through something big in his life which requires his full attention. Remember it's not your fault, you did not do anything wrong. Just live your life and focus on other activities and people. It will sort itself out!
I see he pissed you off all right if you decided to erase his number… Have you got other friends to spend time with?
Have you thought of writing him a more detailed letter expressing how you feel about his behavior? I think it might be good to write a calm, non-blaming letter describing exactly how it makes you feel and that you both need some space to figure things out. In that way, your friend will at least know why you’re not answering back when he texts you next time.
Is this friend your boyfriend? For how long have you been together? It’s a little surprising that he doesn’t trust you with his issues, doesn’t seem to want help from you, and even blocks you when you try to reach out to him. That’s a bit of an overreaction. Of course, he may be that kind of person who needs to be alone when he faces any life challenges. Think about whether it suits you? If a partner hides from you every time he is in trouble, how will it make you feel?
If I were you, I would give him the time he asked for, and I would not contact him again. After all, you have a sense of inner dignity. Let him explain to you what happened the next time you see him, and then decide if you need such a relationship.
Read about Avoidant Attachment type, it might be about your friend. People with such an attachment type tend to pull away regularly and stop talking with their partners for weeks. If, by contrast, you are Anxious Attachment type, the “hot and cold” dynamics of your friend may be very painful for you. It does not mean you can’t be close, only that you and your friend should be aware of this attachment theory to better accommodate each other’s needs.
@Bjørnulf I think you should first ask whether this person has acted in such a manner all the time, consistently, or if this is the first time. The reason why I dislike this types theory is that it simplifies people to fit into some boxes.
Some people are more emotionally distant in general, if they have trust issues on top of that, they may act like a**holes. It does not mean they are avoidants or any such thing. It only means they may not be right for you; there’s no need to label them.
Bottom line is that if your friend is behaving in a way that increases your anxiety, you have the right to walk away and be excited about someone else.
@mindseeker Sure, I did not imply this theory can answer all the author's questions. It's just one of the possible reasons one is better be aware of.
I had such a friend who ignored me for days, then appeared out of the blue to go eat pizza together, then disappeared again. I later found out he had problems with drugs and was avoiding me (and probably everyone else) when he was high. Not that this knowledge helped us restore friendship, our ways parted, and I don’t regret it...
You seem like a good friend. I appreciate friends like you.
I think you were very nice to her in your message, I see no reason why it would overwhelm him. He should be pleased you care for him and call him a beautiful person.
I would give him a bit more than a month before giving up on him. When we officially parted, my boyfriend went no contact for 4 months. I long forgot he existed, when he suddenly announced he “thought it all over” and wanted a reunion. Four months!! Some people are sooo slooow :(
But you shouldn’t shed tears over him. Live and enjoy your life with other nice people. If he is your person, he will eventually come around, if not, well, all is for the better. 🔮
The grief he must be going through is unimaginable. There would be whirlwind of emotions he would be feeling altogether. Sad, angry, frustrated, nostalgic all at once in a day. This whirlwind of emotions makes it hard for anyone to even understand how and what to do. So give it some time for him to process those emotions. Let him grieve. His thoughts are consumed with the memory of his mother whom he has lost.
You also in the mean while need to give yourself time. Don't try to rush this process and think that by deleting his number you will stop thinking about him.. It will take time as right now you are consumed by his thoughts and not able to think anything else. Our brain is wired in a way that every time you say you want to forget the person your giving a cue to your brain again about it by reminding it about him. It would again start thinking about the past and reliving those memories in your mind. It's okie to feel disappointed when feeling is not reciprocated back. I want you to write down all your thoughts ruminating in your head about this person. continue to journal it. As days pass by you will see these feelings get less intense when you write it down and process those feelings. Like how you have written in this online community like that write everyday with details of what and why are you feeling. talking things through can help you understand more about why you feel the way you do for this person, is it worth it. After few weeks of journalling just rate your intensity of feeling. Out of ten how do you feel and how did you feel when you started writing. compare and see your progress.
After few weeks along with journalling see if you can start doing things you like doing to deviate your mind. Joining a club or swimming or gardening or volunteer activities which can deviate your thought process.
You should also think what is required in relationship according to you? Like communication, understanding etc. Write down at least 5 pointers and see does this person whom you really like has those to be in a relationship. if yes then just wait for few more weeks and then be honest with him about what you feel. if no then you know what is the best for you. Your emotional well being should be your priority.
Do reach a counsellor if you are not able to deal and process with your feelings anymore.
It makes sense that you feel so much frustration and confusion about this situation. When someone reaches out to us one day, and then creates distance another, it may feel like an emotional rollercoaster, which takes a lot of our mental energy. So your need for an explanation and knowing where you stand is understandable.
We can't know for sure what's going on in somebody else's mind if they don't give us any explanations. Taking into account that the person is going through difficult times relating to his mother's death, he must be still dealing with grieving and lots of heavy emotions, so you may be right that he needs space at the moment. Giving him this space for a while seems like a good solution in this situation, even though it seems difficult. Look at this as something you do for yourself. Take care of yourself by redirecting your focus and energy on things that make you feel happy and fulfilled or people who respond to your needs at the moment.
It's normal that you have a lot of thoughts about this person as you still care about him deeply. However, there are some ways that you can help yourself redirect the focus.
As you notice the unwanted thoughts, instead of fighting them, remind yourself that it's normal to have them, and they are just thoughts - they don't have power over you. Become an observer - simply notice a thought as it appears but don't feed it by putting your whole attention to it. Slowly let it go as if it were a cloud that passes you by (it can help to actually visualize these thoughts as clouds). Then return your focus to something that you were doing at the moment. At first it can be very hard to shift your focus, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
Practicing mindfulness techniques is a great way to keep your focus in the moment. No matter what you do, engage all of your senses. For example, if you walk outside, listen carefully to birds singing around you, sounds of cars or people passing by, notice colors and shapes of buildings, trees, feel the ground beneath your feet, the wind, etc. As you're washing dishes, put your focus on how the water feels on your hands and the sound of it, look carefully for the smallest stains on a plate. When you talk with a friend, put your whole attention into the conversation - what they're saying, the way their voice sounds, facial expressions etc.
Make a list of activities that bring you joy, no matter how big or small it is. It might be simple activities like reading a good book, going for a walk in nature, listening to music, taking a warm bath. If you don't have a hobby, it can help to try something new. Ask yourself, what did you always want to try but haven't yet? Then do something related to it, like visiting an art class. Make sure to do something enjoyable at least once a day.
Moreover, it can be helpful to think about current goals. What is important for you right now in different aries like studies, career, self-development, health? How do you see your future? Choose one or two simple goals for the nearest future that you can put your focus on. Perhaps, you want to start learning a new language, do a health check-up, start reading a new book related to your studies, add morning workouts to your daily routine, etc.
It's also important to give your energy to people who can respond to it. So think about those whom you can trust and share your feelings with, or even just have a fun time together. Connecting with those who can reciprocate our feelings or just be there for us can be very healing.