i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

This is my life now. I’m a prisoner in my own home. I used to be independent, outgoing, and full of life, but the pandemic erased my life. My world has become smaller and smaller, and I find myself going out maybe once a week, if at all. Even then, it's only for the most essential tasks, and I'm consumed by anxiety and fear throughout the entire experience. The thought of leaving the safety and comfort of my home triggers waves of panic. I had to continue working from home because the thought of returning to commuting was just too much. And even then, I had to take a salary cut because my productivity has taken a hit. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, including myself.

It kills me that I rely on my partner for everything now. He has to run all the errands, go grocery shopping, and take care of our dog. I feel like a toddler, completely helpless and irresponsible, and it's eating me up inside. I want to be able to do these things on my own, but most of the time I can't seem to overcome this paralysis.

Today, for instance, I have anxiety medication waiting for me at the pharmacy, which is just a 10-minute walk away. It sounds like a simple task, but for me it's a challenge. I'm trying to find the motivation to leave the house and make that short trip, but my anxious part is telling me to just call my partner and ask him to pick up my med on his way home. It's a constant battle now, between the rational part of me that knows I need to go out and breathe in fresh air, and the overwhelming inertia and fear that keep me trapped inside.

I miss the days when I could go out with friends, enjoy a meal at a restaurant, or simply take a walk in the park without feeling I’m a hermit lost in a jungle. Now, even the thought of going to a social gathering makes me giddy. I feel like I'm missing out on so much, and my medication does not help me. It only stifles my anxiety for a little while.

Hello world.

I feel a little uncomfortable writing this, but I was sitting in my room for hours dealing with crippling thoughts, so I’m trying to get some relief from writing my thoughts down. I’ve been battling with my mental monsters for years, with no significant results, until I lost hope in Western methods and turned to Asian medicines that are based on absolutely different assumptions about a human body and mind and the role of consciousness and energetic factors in healing... Last year I stayed at a Buddhist monastery for a month, and I’m still very grateful for the experience. But I had to return home, and I feel the therapeutic effect of my journey is somewhat beginning to waver. Buddhism has helped me accept my mental condition and my shortcomings. When I was with the monks, my sufferings lessened. I observed their simple lives devoid of extravagance and strong attachments. It was good. I felt less guilty of being an outcast, a friendless nomad, unsuccessful by Western standards... But even being in such a holy place, I caught myself doubting and clinging to some shreds of feelings, some needs to feel loved, not to feel alone. I tried to observe my emotions with no judgement instead of getting caught up in them. I think it worked for a while, until recently when I found myself surrounded by Western values again and my subconscious began to wish to fit in, as always, to be “a normie”… I know it’s a threat to my mental stability and I wish I could block my feelings of loneliness from the lack of emotional connections. I don’t want to cling to these connections, nor do I want to crawl in my shell again. I know that my goal is to learn to interact with people, with the world, without clinging and attachments. But it’s so, so hard in this corrupt environment where everything is driven by passion! Right now I’m feeling weak, as I crave companionship like I used to years ago. It’s so painful... I’ve been struggling with it every day for the past two weeks. I even thought of alcohol for a brief moment. Yes, I’m very weak now...

Not looking for any advice, I guess, except maybe from those who may have experienced the same…

Best wishes.

Ever since the election results , the issues with my boyfriend and the fact that I lost my job to ai. I feel like I am in a deep dark hole which I can’t get out of. I feel like I will never ever be happy. I’m trying so hard to find the good in the world and deep down. I know that there has to be some if people are willing to fight for others. But it seems so hard to find nowadays. Is there any hope at all for this world? For me? Just feel so joyless