After a verbal altercation that nearly escalated to physical confrontation between me and one of my abusers, I’m facing the threat of homelessness. My abuser was “kind” enough to put a timeframe on when they intend to vacate me but my goal is to get away at my earliest convenience.
What makes navigating tricky is that the abuser in question is a relative, more specifically the woman who birthed me. From the age of 8 I’ve despised this woman and my disdain continues to grow for everything she put me through. And despite actively receiving professional help through therapy and other support resources, I have no intention of maintaining contact with her. I’m estranged from all of my relatives because they’re hateful, ignorant and overall toxic.
It’s because I grew up in the environment I did and seeing how the people surrounding me behaved I promised myself I’d be different. I said I’d break the cycle and meant it. And while I’m discontinuing generational curses, what comes with it is being the “black sheep”, but I’m okay with that. No part of me wants to rekindle anything with my relatives. I’ve already done enough soul-searching to know the second I’m able to go no contact, I’m leaping to take it.
If the worst case scenario comes to fruition, I want it known I gave it my all. Through evading abusive relatives, chronic health complications, recurring sexual assault, being stalked and domestic violence, I put my heart, being and spirit into everything I’ve done and regret nothing. I’ve always welcomed adversity that promotes growth and grinned in the face of uncertainty. My determination is unwavering because I know I’m the only person who has the power to change my circumstances. At this moment I feel lonely, isolated and overwhelmed without anyone outside my therapist and workshop I can safely confide in, but I’m also transforming this sadness into motivation because allowing grief to debilitate me won’t help.
Today, I woke up feeling refreshed after an 8hr rest. I took 15 minutes to clean my space, showered, and then cooked myself breakfast. I gradually worked through my self care routine and followed up with resources I researched and was referred. Before I left out for an interview, I made a card for a stranger. It was a blank card with floral patterns on the front. I wrote words of encouragement and sealed it in a small envelope I decorated with hearts and gemstones. I tried to give it to a woman, asking if she’d like a gift but she rudely declined, only for a homeless woman to offer acceptance. It made me happy because I felt dejected for a moment. Me and the woman briefly spoke and when she shared her situation, it instantly made me think of how anyone could easily be in her shoes. I thanked her for making my day but she walked away before I could offer to buy her food and water with whatever food stamps I’ve got left.
I’m grateful for that interaction because it really goes to show how many of us take little things for granted and don’t show as much empathy as we should for one another. I hope Ms. F. got to where she needed to go safely. Any time I face hardships, they remind me to be kinder. To myself and others, and extend grace wherever needed. I don’t know what these next few weeks will look like for me but I’m doing my best to navigate. All I ask is that anyone reading this please remember to exercise kindness, to anyone and everyone. You never know who’s day you’re making.
Your story hits close to home. I've been there - the gaslighting, the constant pressure to forgive, the invalidation of your feelings. It's exhausting and infuriating. Going no-contact was the best decision I ever made for my mental health. It's not an easy choice, but it's necessary for survival. You don't owe anyone a relationship, especially not someone who has caused you so much pain. Focus on building a life that brings you peace and joy. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and support your healing
@matthewLT Going no contact is something I’ve been trying to do for years but because of the intricacies of my dilemma it’s been difficult. It’s difficult but not impossible, and that’s why I’m working so hard. I want to reclaim safety and that starts by getting the hell away from my conceiver and other blood relatives.
@Mitchel Yep, it took me real long time as well, but just know that it's possible and it's so worth it. I believe in you, I really do. Hard work always pays off
Oh my god, I totally agree with you! 👏 You don't owe forgiveness to anyone, especially not to someone who's hurt you so badly. It's your life and your feelings, and nobody can tell you how to deal with your trauma.
People who haven't been through what you have don't get to judge. They're not the ones who had to live with the pain and fear every day. It's easy for them to say "forgive and forget" when they're not the ones carrying all that hurt. 😒
And let's be real, sometimes cutting toxic people out of your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. It doesn't matter if they're family or not. Blood doesn't give anyone the right to treat you like crap
You know what? It's okay to be angry. It's okay to feel hurt. It's okay to not want that person in your life anymore. Your feelings are valid, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
It's not your job to fix someone else's issues. You're not responsible for your mom's trauma or her actions. You've got your own healing to focus on.
And honestly? Sometimes forgiveness is overrated. 🙄 It's pushed on us like it's the only way to move forward, but that's not true. You can heal and grow without forgiving your abuser.
What matters is that you're taking care of yourself. 💪 You're in therapy, you're setting boundaries, you're working on yourself. That's amazing! You should be proud of how far you've come. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for protecting yourself. You're not being mean or selfish by cutting out someone who hurts you.
@Jasmine I have no problem forgiving anyone who’s harmed me once I’ve had enough time to reflect on the situation and process my emotions, although recognising nobody’s owed forgiveness whether or not they’ve apologised for the hurt they’ve caused me is the reason I acknowledge apologies but don’t always accept them.
Trauma being understandable doesn’t make mistreatment of others acceptable and that’s something I reiterate often because it’s true. It’s nobody’s fault they’ve been traumatised but it’s their responsibility to heal from it. I refuse to let others bring me down because they hate themselves and I refuse to allow disrespect because of that self hatred.
I’m grateful to have outgrown my people pleasing and validation seeking phase because where I’m at, I feel a lot more confident in my decision making abilities than anything and refuse to be gaslit by others. At my earliest convenience I’m going no contact to protect my peace and re-establish safety for myself.
oh no!!! i'm so sorry you didn't have a good mother figure in your life. i can't even imagine. i've always been a momma boy. my mom and i are best friends, and i honestly can't picture it being any other way. we still talk every day and she's always there for me when i need her. it's crazy to think that not everyone has that kind of relationship with their mom. i guess i've been really lucky. i hope you've been able to find other people in your life who can give you the love and support a mom should. maybe like an aunt or a friend's mom or something? even though it's not the same, i hope you have some good people around you now. you deserve to have caring people in your life after everything you've been through!!
@aLoneBoyY I’d like to hope it wasn’t your intention to upset me but this comment feels inappropriate given the context of discussion. I love that you have an invaluable relationship with your mother but holy shit does this feel insensitive.
And before you misunderstand me, the estrangement from my relatives doesn’t make me envious or bitter toward others who have fulfilling relationships with theirs. If anything, I admire it because that shows it’s possible for me to create and experience it someday myself. This feels insensitive because I’m clearly grieving and you provided unsolicited advice.
I know you’re replying in good faith but your intention didn’t have the intended impact.
@aLoneBoyY not everyone got that lucky with their mom. You're really fortunate, so don't take it for granted. I haven't talked to my mom since I turned 16, and I'm 23 now. That's what? 6 years, holy shit! It's not always easy to find other people to fill that role, so you just have to learn to be okay on your own. It's great that you have such a good relationship with your mom, but for some of us, it's just not possible
@aLoneBoyY thanks for understanding. It's cool that you can see it from a different perspective. Yeah, six years is a long time, but honestly, it's been better this way. I've learned a lot about myself and how to be independent. I've got some good friends now who are like family to me. They don't replace a mom, but they're there when I need them. It's funny how life works out. I'm glad you appreciate your relationship with your mom. It's so nice hearing about positive family relationships, even if I can't relate. It gives me hope that maybe one day I'll be able to create that kind of bond with my own kids if I ever have any
@dana page oh man i'm so sorry. you're right, i know i'm lucky as hell. six years is a long time to go without talking to your mom. i guess i sometimes forget how good i have it. it's easy to take things for granted when you've always had them. i really appreciate you and mitchel sharing your perspective. it's important to remember that everyone's family situation is different. you're so strong for making your own way. that takes a lot of courage i hope you've been able to find some good people to have in your life, even if they're not family
@dana page i'm so glad that you've found friends who are like family. that's really special. and you're so right about hoping to create bonds with your own kids someday. i bet you'd be great at it, given everything you've learned. i'm sure you're gonna be a wonderful parent!
Your feelings are yours. No one else gets to decide how you should feel or what you should do with those feelings. If you're angry, be angry. If you're hurt, be hurt. There's no right or wrong. Your story is important, and sharing it might help others feel less alone too. Keep doing what's best for you. 🌟 You've got this, and you're so strong for standing up for yourself. Don't let anyone dim your light or make you doubt yourself. You deserve peace and happiness
oh my god, i can relate to this so much. your post feels like someone finally putting into words everything i've been feeling. i'm 18 and still stuck living with my abusive parnts,and it's absolute hell. my dad's a drunk who can barely function, and my mom? she's a fucking coward who never stands up for me. i wake up dreading what new bullshit i'll have to deal with
i get what you mean about people telling you to "forgive and forget." like, are you kidding me? how can i forgive years of abuse and neglect? how can i forget the constant fear, the anxiety, the feeling of never being good enough? it's not just a bad day or a misunderstanding, it's systematic destruction of my self-worth and mental health.
i dream about the day i can finally leave this toxic hellhole. i'm counting down the days, scraping together every penny i can. next year, i hope i'll have enough saved up to get out. i don't have many friends to turn to, isolation is part of the abuse, right? but i'm working on building connections outside this nightmare. you're so right - family should be supportive, loving, at least safe. instead, we got stuck with these monsters who wear the mask of "parents" but act like our worst enemies. it's fucked up beyond belief
i won't lie, there are days when i have dark thoughts too. days when i wish they'd just... disappear. it's not wrong to feel this way after all we've been through. we didn't ask for this. we didn't deserve this. and we sure as hell don't owe them anything
@shabi Being in an unsafe environment surrounded by people who are meant to have your best interest but contribute to your pain is a different kind of trauma some people are fortunate to not experience, and I’m so sorry that your safety and security is continuously threatened by your parents. It breaks my heart to hear and I hope that you’ll be able to successfully escape. I’m wishing you all the best and sending positive vibes your way.
I understand it’s a lot easier said than done but please don’t give up. If you’re okay with me providing advice, a few things that have helped me during the initial stage of my recovery was seeking community. I started volunteering at pantries near me and it’s helped so much because not only was I able to find support and advocate for my/other communities, but it kept me out of the house and away from my abusers.
Virtual support workshops are another great outlet that helped build community and find friends. They showed me that I’m not alone in my struggles and provided an outlet for me to be emotionally vulnerable, something I’m struggling with because of abuse and neglect experienced.
Some people won’t understand the hardships we’ve firsthand experienced but that doesn’t mean we can’t find and connect with those who do. Wishing you the best of luck in your endeavours. 🙏🏾
@shabi Having that firsthand experience I more than know how defeating it feels to have your frustrations invalidated so I understand completely, and I’m glad I was able to help you feel less alone and that you’re taking my suggestions into consideration.
I hope everything works out for you in the end but do your best to give yourself grace and take it one step at a time. While volunteering and support workshops are a great way to connect with others, you don’t want to risk burning out. If possible, I’d like to recommend alternating between the two when given time. Myself personally, I volunteer every other Monday and Tuesday and on days I’m not volunteering, I exercise at the gym, wander my city or take myself out to have picnics in the park.
Your reply actually made my morning and I’d like to thank you, too. Being vulnerable and trusting others is very scary. It’s difficult but not impossible I say, just remember to be kind to yourself in the process and take it one day at a time. Sending love and light your way!
@shabi stay strong, friend. I know you will make it all work out! 💟
@Mitchel thank you so much for your reply. it means a lot to know someone out there gets it. i've been trying to find ways to cope and hearing your suggestions gives me hope. volunteering sounds like a good idea, i never thought about it before, but getting out of the house and helping others might actually make me feel better
i struggle to trust anyone or open up. but reading about your experiences with support workshops makes me think maybe i should give it a shot. it's scary to be vulnerable, but i'm so tired of feeling this alone
i'm gonna look into local pantries and see if i can volunteer. anything to get me out of this house more often
thanks for taking the time to respond and share your advice. it's weird, but your message made me feel less alone for the first time in ages. i hope things keep getting better for you too. we deserve some peace after all this crap
@dana page thank you so much. i will try to stay strong really will
I know how exhausting it can be to constantly hear "but that's your mother" or "you should forgive." It took me years to realize that forgiveness is a personal choice, not an obligation. It's crucial to set boundaries and protect yourself from toxic relationships, even if they're family (ESPECIALLY if they're family). I'm curious, that's one thing you're proud of yourself for accomplishing in your healing process?
@dana page forgiveness is something I’m more than willing to give once I’ve had enough to reflect on situations and process emotions, but the type of anger and resentment my conceiver causes me is indescribable. I will never forgive her for as long as I live and I plan to go no contact at my earliest convenience.
Although hardships aside, I’ve gotten a lot better with coping and not impulsively responding to situations. It’s difficult having BPD but I’ve improved and I’m proud of myself for that.
@Mitchel heyy, that's a huge achievement! I'm so glad to hear you've made progress with coping and responding less impulsively 💟 you know, it's interesting how society often pushes this idea that family is everything, no matter what. But the truth is, sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is distance ourselves from toxicity. We don't owe anyone a relationship, especially someone who's caused us so much pain
I'm so so sorry you've had to endure such pain and trauma
I admire your self-awareness and the steps you've taken towards healing so much. The complex emotions you're experiencing are a normal response to trauma and abuse. I always thought that forgiveness is not a necessary component of healing. What's most important is finding ways to process your trauma that work for you. You have the right to define what family means to you and to create boundaries that protect your mental health
Stay strong, friend, and protect your peace
@888_terry I agree with this. You're right that it's okay to feel angry and hurt after all that. I like how you said forgiveness isn't always needed to heal. I've always thought about it myself, so it's nice to see someone who shares the same sentiment. That's so true. Everyone has to find their own way to deal with hard things. It's so important to take care of yourself first
I'm with you on that one. It's fucked up how people expect us to just forgive and forget like it's no big deal. Newsflash: it IS a big deal. Your anger is justified, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I've been working myself on channeling that energy into something positive (though it's not always easy for me). It doesn't make the pain go away, but it helps me feel like I'm taking back some control.
I cut off my mom and her side of the family a long time ago. It was the most freeing thing I've ever done. I hope you can do what's best for you and finally get some peace 🙏 You don't owe anyone a relationship, especially if they're toxic. The relief you'll feel is worth it. Take care of yourself first, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it