I’m unsure of where to begin, and I’m very apprehensive. I feel guilty for voicing my feelings and thoughts, but it all hurts too much to carry alone. I desperately need comfort. Any compassion would mean the world to me.
I’m lonely. That’s all. And it’s painfully real. Part of the hurt is simply being unable to articulate the depth of it. I don’t like to admit this, but I want badly to be understood. To be loved. I am so, so horribly greedy for love, and I am not even clear on what it truly means. That word has become so ambiguous, yet it encompasses everything I can’t quite express and long for deeply. My experiences of “love” have often been painful and damaging. Still, I am incredibly fortunate to have a mother who cherishes me unconditionally. That should be enough. But I can’t help wanting more. Needing more. There’s this constant, inexplicable emptiness and shame inside me that never, ever goes away. I feel that I’m unlovable. I’m terrified I’ll never know peace. That I’ll never be free of this heartache. I don’t want to believe that’s all I am, but it’s difficult not to feel this way. My every thought, every feeling, every action… everything I am is rooted in shame. When people tell me they admire me, or even love me, I feel a rush of euphoria, but also sadness and fear. Because I’m convinced that if they truly saw me, they wouldn’t stay. Not by sheer willingness. I feel as though it all could shatter at any given moment. One minor stumble, and they’ll see how ugly I truly am. And the purest expressions of love scare me most. Even with my mom, I feel afraid. Beneath my softness, my kindness, my diligence, beneath everything people say they admire.. is just a deep-seated neediness. It’s all a facade. I’m only pretending to be anything more than that. I’m not entirely sure what this message is. Maybe I’m begging… for love, for anything that might make me believe, even if only for an instant, that I’m adequate. That I’m seen and still somehow worthy. I want so badly to be reassured. It pains me, asking for it like this. I feel terrible. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could apologize.
