The heartbreaking part about surviving narcissistic abuse is that your body never forgets. Not the pain, not the sorrow. That trauma follows you into every relationship formed and sometimes destroy them. If it’s something I knew sooner, it’s that your body will communicate through sickness. At the time of dating and even after escaping my covert narcissist ex, my intuition tried to warn me but I ignored it.

First, there was this pervasive sensitivity of anxiety; waking up anxious with a constricting feeling in my chest. My upper body felt stiff and the sensation lingered throughout the days. Then, I gradually lost interest in doing things that brought me pleasure followed by loss of appetite. The emotional turmoil that ensued was the worst of it all for me as someone who already struggles with emotional regulation as I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It can only be described as “dysphoric mania”, something I discovered after Googling my experience. I’d have intense feelings of euphoria one moment and crash hard from depression the next. The overall, impending feeling of doom and dread hovered over me until I escaped and took legal and sought professional support.

I was fortunate to transform that pain into power, but now I’m experiencing it all over again just with my new romantic interest. We met a little over a month ago at a concert where we exchanged info and immediately started talking and going on dates. For the most part, everything has been well. Any time he’d say or do something that would provoke discomfort I’d create a safe space for us to have open communication and converse about it. While he’s been receptive for the most part, the longer we remain in contact the worse the feeling gets. I know this isn’t unprovoked hypervigilance because I’ve been in therapy, performed enough body scans regularly and developed discernment to know when it’s my intuition and not anxiety. And I promised myself if at any point my heart and mind are confused on a person, I’d listen to my body and my body is telling me I’m unsafe.

I’ve never been one to ghost because I don’t condone unless the person is reasonably threatening to another’s safety, but I’m contemplating because alarm bells are going off and I don’t want to fuck around and find out anything I can save myself from. I’m going to speak more with my therapist about it but today and the rest of this week I’m going to continue practicing self care and giving myself grace. To anyone who might be experiencing something similar, please don’t make the mistake I did. Listen to your body, listen to your intuition.

If you’re “randomly” coming down with colds, experiencing headaches, feel drained or loss of appetite, have no pleasure in your interests and feel yourself becoming isolated, this is your intuition and body trying to communicate something is wrong. Of course it looks different for everyone but do not take your safety and wellbeing for granted. If it’s available, considering contacting a professional.

Listening to your body and intuition could save your life so if you suspect someone you’re seeing or are romantically interested in is “off”, especially in indescribable ways, be wary.

THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.

I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).

To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.

Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.

I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.

Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.

Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).

Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.

Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.

I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?

I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.

A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.  

I don’t have any purpose left. That’s what I feel like. Anyway, I don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t know what tomorrow works for me. I don’t know what I want to do tomorrow. I don’t know if I can ever connect with anyone. I feel so emotionally off with everyone; I only want people to leave me alone. I want to stay alone in my room all day long. I want my friends around. I want my family to know when they are close by. I don’t want them. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even understand what I’m going through or why I’m going through everything is fine; I am managing everything now. I don’t know why I have started to see red flags in my family and friends now; finding everyone around me is toxic for me. I know they wish the best for me. I don’t know what is best. What is that? I don’t know what is going on. I have no clue who is right. Who is wrong? I have just lost. I have lost all sense of touching a person living a life making friends. I have just lost.

I'm 28, my husband is 34. I don't know if I want to be a mom. I have very confused feelings about it. I can't tell if it's really my desire or a societal pressure. I love my career and the freedom I have now. Will having a child mean giving up my dreams? My friends are starting to have kids. It makes me wonder if I'm ready for that kind of commitment

My husband says he's okay with whatever I decide, but I worry about disappointing him or regretting our choice later in life. What if we wait too long and miss our chance? I've always been good with kids, but being an aunt is different from being a mom. Can I handle the 24/7 responsibility? Will I be a good mother?

I think about the world we live in. Is it fair to bring a child into this world?

I've tried making pros and cons lists, but it feels impossible to rank something so life-changing. How do other women make this decision? Am I overthinking it? I wish there was a clear sign, something to tell me definitively what the right choice is