I'm sorry, I don't need help. I just wanted to express my frustration.

After almost a year of depression I can finally say, that I'm not as depressed anymore. But now I feel anger. I don't know whether it's hypomania speaking in me, or whether it's me, who's just so frustrated and baffled at the fact, that I actually didn't get any emotional support during those times from my friends and relatives, from closest people around me.

I couldn't protect myself during those times. I felt extreme guilt, I felt like a failure, that I don't deserve any good. I was so vulnerable, so fragile, yet people around me considered it to be their duty to tell me that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm just a fool who's stupid enough to not figure out how to live his life. My mother always reminded me how I'm being a burden for her, how I instead should've been a support for others. My friends suggested that maybe I don't want things that I was trying to achieve hard enough. I always felt shame for seeking for someone who could understand me. As if I was just seeking attention and pettiness. NO. I was seeking emotional help and support that I didn't get in the slightest. I'm so thankful that at the end of the day I turned out to be strong enough to bare those challenges despite having such incompetent friends and relatives.

I understand why they were as they were. Because affective mental disorders aren't considered to be a big deal. You seem perfectly normal, you're not screaming out of your mind. What's the problem then? Sometimes I feel "depressed" as well, I just try not to be consumed by it, I just think about my responsibilities and blah blah blah. I just want to return to times when i heard this bullshit and say shut the fuck up, just shut up. You have no idea what people are going through, nobody is asking you how are you dealing with your so called "depression". If person says that he's suffering don't minimize his problem, don't project your insecurities on him. If you can't help, just say sorry I can't help you, don't make things worse. Try to learn things if you don't understand them at least for your closest friends and relatives.

For those who's suffering: I'm with you. If people tell or suggest even in a slightest way that you're not trying hard enough, fuck them. They are fools who know nothing about hard challenges that you're going through every day. You're trying your best, even if you're just staying alive its enough. You are strong.

They label it “hyper independence”, I refer to it as being self-reliant.

They see it as having “trust issues”, I perceive it as people having issues with being truthful.

It’s incredibly infuriating how people are willing to deflect accountability and will accuse you of everything in the book when in actuality it’s just you calling them out on their shit. I know there’s a difference between isolation and holding space with yourself but because of recurring situations, I’m choosing to isolate. I’m isolating because I’m tired. I’m tired of experiencing the same shit and I’m tired of meeting the same, unhealed people just in different situations.

I’m not “hyper independent” because I have no problem asking for help when I REALLY need it, but I recognise everything starts with me and that I’m the only person with the power to change the circumstances of my situation. If I wait around for others then nothing will get done. Opportunities don’t just fall into a person’s lap, they have to create them, and every day I’m putting in my best effort to ensure I create as many as possible.

I don’t have trust issues because I possess discernment and accept people for who they are. When they show me their true colours, I don’t feel the need to repaint or attempt to change them. I acknowledge that’s their character and act accordingly, even if it means separating myself indefinitely or permanently. What I DO take issue with is people lying to my face then playing victim when they experience the consequences of their actions.

Allowing myself emotional vulnerability is something I’m continuously working toward because growing up, I didn’t have a safe space to express myself. I didn’t have the support systems I have today but even now I still struggle because I only feel seen and supported in limited spaces such as therapy and workshop. The one time I tried reaching out for comfort from the few people I wanted to call friends, it went exactly how it did in the past and now I’m closing myself off.

I clarified that I was seeking support and not advice, but whether than listening they either: affirmed me where I wasn’t looking to be, didn’t understand or it turned into them venting about their problems and me comforting them. While I recognise they aren’t intentionally being malicious, it doesn’t change that it hurts. I’ve already talked to them about this but where I’m at now, even knowing it’s a trauma response, I feel so much more comforted in isolation. This isn’t going to change me being vulnerable when needed, but moving forward I have no intention of befriending, dating or creating relationships with anyone until I get other priorities in my life together.

So fuck it. Call me hyper independent and accuse me of having trust issues. Nobody understands my situation more than I do because I’m the person living through it. Whatever hardships I face, success I experience or accomplishments achieved, will all stay between me and my therapist. I understand that by choosing to isolate myself I’m damaging what little support I could receive outside of therapy and workshops but I’ll figure it out. I just don’t have the heart to continue being disappointed by people.

I worked for a government agency and was quite happy with my job. It happened that I became close to a girl and supported her in her work. I wanted to be a hero in her eyes. And I was! She looked at me literally as an idol and a meter of the profession. I explained and showed her everything. Yeah, I liked her! What's the big deal? I was the "soul of the team", and after her appearance colleagues began to actively jealous. I didn't spend much time with them anymore. The conflict was escalating and I was "growing wings" because of the girl's admiring eyes. One day I had a fight with the team I was working with. In the course of the conflict, I said that if I continued to be pressured like this, I would leave. "Where will you go? Who needs you?" said one of my colleagues. It was at lunchtime. I was savagely hurt by that phrase. I started looking at job postings at lunchtime. Emotionally, of course. My girlfriend said, looking at me admiringly: "You should go straight to being a director. Now I'm gonna have to get a director's job for her. I found a vacancy for a director and called there, sending my resume. The manager answered that just today, in a couple of hours, the final interview would begin. And if I want to be on time, I have to come today and it's actually unlikely, because the director has already been seen, but the interview with other candidates will still be. I really wanted to go. The urge to quit my job on the same day was wild with resentment. I told the girl that I was going for an interview and she was happy. I told my coworkers when I left work that I was going to a new job. They were surprised, but they also looked incredulous. Something like "you are angry, calm down and come back tomorrow". When I walked into the office for the interview, the manager said the interview was coming to an end and there was no point in me coming in anymore. What? I started pushing through. Saying everything I could think of, putting pressure on them. The girl got upset and ran to her supervisor. Apparently, her story to Naalstvo was emotional and I was invited to come in. I met the owner of the business and was so convincing that .....They chose ME! I didn't doubt it, I felt like a pro! All the office managers were shocked. As I found out later, a director had actually been chosen for the office beforehand, but the owner didn't like him very much. But the whole staff did. That's why they wouldn't let me go to the interview. And that's when I burst in and broke through. The owner of the company said that he was looking for just such a "punchy" person and he liked the way I went to the closed interview. The decision was made. And I was told to fire the entire staff and hire a new one. Can you imagine the eyes of the female employees who wouldn't let me in??? But most important to me were my girlfriend's eyes, shining and telling me "I knew you were the best." Needless to say, when I came to quit my previous job the next day, my colleagues were shocked and asked me to stay...but it didn't matter to me anymore.. So, believing in myself I did the impossible...And the businessman who took me on as director later told everyone "I found a diamond in the rough"

As of August 10th, 2024 I’m 1 year and 9 months sober. While sobriety wasn’t intended, it was surviving a covert narcissist that used alcohol as a means to continuously assault me that inspired the journey. Among other things, getting my shit together was all I cared to do after experiencing the hell I endured.

Now almost 2 years later I’m alive and thriving. I’m navigating life with a sense of direction and everything I do comes from a place of love. I’m slowing down, giving myself time to process things, I’m trusting my intuition more and fearlessly pursuing my passions.

June 30th, 2024 I met someone at a concert. Instantly, we hit it off and started going on dates. It was followed by frequent texting, regular dates, breathtaking sex, conversations about the future and sharing bits of our pasts. Everything seemed well, until it didn’t. Even with me creating safe spaces to have open discussions about concerns, it resulted in me having to disassociate because my intuition and body started to warn me something was wrong.

For full context please refer to my previous, recent post (Listen To Your Body)

I trust in my decision more than anything to separate from whatever doesn’t positively serve me, however because I wanted to give myself closure, I caved and responded to the texts my now former romantic interest sent. I understand that closure might not be achievable in every conflict but possible, I’d like to give it to myself and whoever else.

Before reaching responding to the texts, I gave myself time to mentally and emotionally prepare. I wrote down questions like, “Why am I reconnecting?”, “What do I want to say?”, “What am I expecting to gain out of this interaction?”, etc. Once I gathered myself, I responded communicating my grievances and asked to arrange time for us to speak.

After scheduling everything, I went on to enjoy celebrating 21 months sobriety. It started with me waking up feeling refreshed. I spent 15 minutes cleaning my room, I showered, cooked myself breakfast and caught up on current events. Then I worked through my self care routine. I checked in with friends, gifted a stranger a handmade care package, played in the park, brought some protection charms I plan to give loved ones, and spent the evening relaxing at home.

This evening at 18:00, August 11th, he’s coming over to speak. I’ve already prepared and decided that I’m going to go no contact for good, but I want to give him a protection charm to wish him well. After everything, I don’t think that we’d be a great fit for one another and the conflict of interests would create unhealthy tension. Recognising this, I’d rather us work on ourselves/priorities until we find someone’s whose desires are in alignment with our longterm goals.

Initially acknowledging this hurt, but I’ve taken all the time to reflect so now I’m able to have this conversation from a levelheaded perspective. Even though everything was short lived, I appreciate getting to experience what I imagine healthy conflict in a relationship would look like. It gives me hope, and I’m glad I had this learning opportunity. My heart will hurt every now and then reflecting but it’s for the best.