Your situation sounds very unfair. I get that you love your son very much and put him first, but there’s another side to it. If untreated, this type of anger you’ve described usually gets worse with time, not better. So if your partner isn’t consulting a professional to learn anger management (which I assume he isn’t), he may be a threat both to you and your son. Also, the longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to leave. Do it for your son’s future. He’ll forgive you when he grows up.
Can you make some arrangements where you live separately, but the father can see his son? You clearly don’t want to be with this man any longer, and you’re doing a disservice to yourself AND your son by suffering. “Happy mother, happy baby” is the first family rule!
I know how hard it can be to end a long-lasting relationship, and your partner’s anger issues are not helping. Do you expect he’ll act violently if you tell him you’re leaving? I’m guessing because you seem anxious to leave while he is not at home. Obviously, it’s somewhat unjust, I would be upset if my partner left me without any explanation. Though if you have reasons to believe he will hinder you, then by all means, take care of your safety.
It’s an unpleasant truth, but children internalize domestic abuse even when they’re very small. You may be protecting him from the details, but it’s impossible to hide your emotions. I think it’s better to have two parents separated and content, than two stressed and miserable parents living together. My parents divorced when I was three, and I stayed closer to the parent I grew up with (my mother). She didn’t interfere with my relationship with my father, which unfortunately came to nothing in later years. I was disappointed not to have a “normal” family when I was smaller, but now that I’m older, I can’t blame my mother. It’s just life, parents can’t always make it a fairy tale...
May I ask if, during all these years, you’ve ever had a go at couple counseling? And whether your partner has ever tried anything except weed to cope with his outbursts? I suppose mood stabilizers or sedatives would do the trick.
Sometimes people in similar situations tend to excuse their partners, saying that they’re good people when they don’t drink / take drugs / you name it. Yet here you’re saying that you’ve eliminated the one source of trouble, and still it’s no better. I think you’re ready to finish this relationship, but you’re feeling guilt, and that’s what stops you. Staying out of guild is not a healthy motivator. If your partner is an awesome father, he’ll definitely want to keep taking care of his son despite the changed situation. You should give him that chance and see how things go. Sometimes people come together again after separation, don’t put too much pressure on yourself while making this decision. It’s not fatal, and you’re right to be doing what your heart tells you to do.
@Camilla P. We’ve broken up before, when I was pregnant with Kevin, and it was a rollercoaster for me and my family. I stayed with my mother, who is always happy to have us. And my partner (technically ex at the moment) kept calling us and arrived to see me every month. He made me doubt all my decisions, he can be kind when he’s in the mood. And I thought it would be hard to raise a child on my own, so we reconciled in the end. My mother didn’t approve of it. If we separate now, I don’t think she will allow my partner to come to her place again.
@SMagnus No, I don’t expect he’ll be violent. I simply don’t want to go through it again and again. Every time I want to leave, he makes me feel like I am the reason for our crisis. He makes me feel bad, he makes all sorts of promises. I don’t believe him anymore, but I wish to avoid this discussion, thus I’d prefer to leave silently rather than see him eye to eye about it.
@Victoria We’ve never tried couple counseling. I suppose it’s very expensive? I work part-time and have no insurance at the moment, my partner would definitely not want to pay for it. As for professional help, yes, he had one appointment with a therapist. I made him try it. Of course, he disliked the woman, said all her methods were stupid, that he’d sooner start smoking weed than go to her again. He also refuses to take any “brain meds” saying he’s scared to death of them, like a child. 🤦♀️
@Eve Very manipulative of your partner to shift the responsibility on you. In fact, anger issues are fixable if the person in question wants this change. CBT, in particular, can be very beneficial. What if you make another ultimatum about him starting therapy? It’s a long process, and it should happen simultaneously with you following your own goals and plans.
Escaping verbal abuse and anger is difficult but you deserve to live a life where you are loved, cared. Your mental well-being is extremely important. Ending a significant relationship is never easy. If you are trying to decide whether to stay or leave you may be feeling confused,uncertain. May be you are hoping he will change for the kid, or your child cant stay without him. One moment you may desperately want to get away and next you may want to hang on to the relationship just for your son. Don't be trapped by confusion or guilt.
You owe it to yourself so stand up for yourself and regain what you have lost after being in this relationship. You feel you can't do it alone go for a therapy.
You need to question what is important for you right now? Just you. only if you feel good you will reciprocate those feelings back to your son and to your parents and people you love. The prime most important thing is what do you want? Like you say you have reached a point of contemplating whether you want to be in this relationship or not. You need to take some time away from your husband to evaluate your satisfaction with things and determine if continuing to remain married is what you want and it is what is best. Just be away for few days like say go to your mother's place and think about what do you feel about the situation you are in:
Leaving or not leaving is a decision you make analysing the situation from all angles and perspectives. You need to carefully make a decision by weighing the pro's and con's of being in relationship or leaving.