I don't know what's going on. Hi everyone, I'm 18 and I'm a lesbian. When I was a kid I liked guys, but then around 13-14 when I found out that you can like girls, I felt like I liked them more...? (so I think I might have daddy issues or something like that, so. I used to kind of like guys, but I really like their attention to this day. Like, "I'm in a relationship with a girl, but if this guy gives me attention that would be cool! I like to be the center of attention!" I don't think I'm bi because I can't imagine having sex with a guy or being in a relationship. I feel comfortable to be with a girl and I would like to live my life with her, I like to get attention from a girl, kisses, etc... now let's get to the problem. when I realized that I am not hetero, in my country everything was more or less fine with same-sex relationships...how? nobody cared about it. I was in a long distance relationship with a girl for 2 years and I loved her and she kind of loved me too. as I realized after the breakup, our relationship was not healthy at all. She lied to me, she ignored me a lot, she seemed to love me but sometimes she could just get offended. she lied about everything, about being raped by a guy, about the people she was dating, she said her parents beat her up, etc. I was a fool and really believed it all (although I had my doubts and they were justified). eventually she started to ignore me a lot saying "that's it, we're breaking up". one time we had a political fight and she wanted to break up with me, but she kind of gave me a second chance. I didn't know she was seeing someone else at the time...as time went on, I experienced the same insults from her friends. And when I said, "Don't hang out with that person, they talk shit about me, I don't like it, but it's your choice. I didn't push too hard but it was in this context approximately (before that she insisted that I stop communicating with my friend or she would leave me, I had to do it) another situation happened: she had a friend who lived next door to her and they didn't communicate live but often texted each other. My ex liked to make herself cool and pretend that she was experienced in sex. At the time I was a virgin and did not really talk about sex with her, I was not really comfortable, but something I trusted her. and once my account in the app was blocked and I asked her for a while, she said "no problem" and in the dialog with this guy I accidentally saw "My girlfriend is such a slut, she does fisting". I was shocked. I had never done that in my life...I cried for a long time after that, because I felt uncomfortable and like I was humiliated. Also there was something like "my girlfriend has big tits, like two planets" this was also unpleasant for me, especially the fact that she tells this to a guy I don't even know. after a few months she started to ignore me hard, just write rarely, I could write to her she sits online, but does not answer, just reads. it drove me to tears and hysterics..I thought that everything will be fine, but I thought that everything will be fine. but when we were on the call and I was discussing our future like "oh, it would be cool if we got a kitten" it was at this point that she said "I want to break up with you" (I think it's very nasty of her to do that at this point) I started crying, begging her, etc...but she just told me to fuck off and disconnected. Then I texted her "can we be friends?" she said no and I accepted it...But the most disgusting thing was that when I was crying and suffering she just texted me "I'll think about it till morning and tell you my decision" I was broken and cried all night, hoping that in the morning she would say it's ok etc...She woke up and texted me "I'm blocking you, bye! "After a few days I found out that she had cheated on me. she immediately started dating a girl the day we were separated. and that girl turned out to be a friend who humiliated and insulted me..hmmm so there you go! now I have a new girlfriend who loves me to bits and treats me well and with respect.

But the problem is that after our breakup my country passed a law banning "LGBT" now if you are gay or lesbian you can go to jail...for 12 years. I'm really scared to write this now a little bit...in case they find out. but now I want to go to the main problem.(I'm very anxious, I suffer from overthinking and bad thoughts) At some point after the ban and distance with the girl, I started to feel like I'm attracted to guys...(I never dated a guy and all my 3 ex were girls)it's like my body makes me love them. I'm just looking at an almost at every guy and get a very weird feeling in my belly..I thought, "Okay, if you're bi, it's okay, don't worry about it," but it got worse at some point, like I started reacting to any guy, or to their voice like it was supposed to make me I don't know into him. I pushed those thoughts away. I also want to add that my mother doesn't know about my orientation and I often hear "such a nice guy,tall,handsome,cute,sucker" and it makes me feel even worse>_< I realize that if I react to all guys this way it could be anxiety and fear of falling in love with a guy. Help me please. What could it be? How to treat it? i really need your opinion, maybe someone has faced this before!

IDK if anyone can help me with this. I’m in a constant state of anxiety, cause I have no clue what to do with my future. I live with parents, and I don’t want to go to college or work. I’m absolutely lost, don’t know who I am and what’s my mission. My father says I’m wasting my life, and mom thinks I’m lazy and unambitious. I want to move out of my parents' house, but I have no savings… I don’t know what career I want. Everyone else has plans and goals, when I was in high school, I felt like shit cause my friends were talking about their passions and future jobs. I don’t want to go to office every day so that I can have money to do something I want.. I have no passion or direction, I’m hopeless and cracking up. All I want is to have the freedom to enjoy life now, not when I’m old… I have just one lifetime, and there’re so many things I should try, but I don’t know where to start and it terrifies me. The only thing I’m sure about is I want to leave this small town and stop feeling like nobody. My father says I’m not normal and that I should do some networking and find a job. He only makes it worse and reminds me how much my life sucks and that I’m not smart enough like my peers... It makes me so angry and depressed... How do I go about finding my path?

Post escaping an abusive relationship with a covert narcissist almost two years ago in September 2022, the trauma my assailant caused my encouraged me to get my shit together. I sought out therapy, started volunteering, joined support groups and picked up hobbies outside my comfort zone. Ironically enough, he hurt me so bad it caused me to love others more, myself included. I developed this new found appreciation for life and have so much gratitude for the little things. During the earlier part of my recovery, as a way to give myself closure I’d write poems to my assailant. They’d always start with, “I don’t know whether to hate you or thank you”, because I experienced what felt like hell surviving everything he did to me but it also made me a stronger more resilient person.

Despite my resilience and optimism to take challenges head on, that didn’t change some days feeling more overwhelming than others. I was juggling several jobs along volunteering and other personal pleasures. Eventually, my therapist convinced me to settle down because as a chronically disabled person, it was causing my body to break down. It took some time but I was finally able to create a schedule that works well for me and my longterm goals. When everything finally settled, I started testing the waters of relationships again.

I took a break to focus on my health and wellbeing but felt well enough to try again. Twice, I’ve had romantic interests play in my face despite doing my best to communicate and cultivate healthier more intentional connections and an ex attempt trapping me in another cycle but I disconnected from it all. Having 14 months pass (7 months with one person, another with the second) I figured “recovery is the priority, not relationships.” and have been well off since.

Then, 2 almost 3 months ago I met my current partner. A fascinating human who approached me at a concert one evening and we hit it off the next. We’ve had a few hiccups but because we’re on the same page with what we’re seeking, how we think, and the way we navigate, conflict quickly arrives at a solution and in a healthy way. We’re going at a pace that feels right for us, we’re learning from one another while learning about the other, we have genuine appreciation for each other and we communicate effectively.

I love that there’s no anxiousness if we don’t immediately hear back from one another and that we can maintain holding space with ourselves without it being taken personally. I our commonalities and differences. I love the willingness to grow and explore. Experiencing a healthy relationship will really make a person question why they tolerated anything less than in the past. Even knowing this might be short term, I appreciate getting to experience what healthy relationships are like.

In the past I didn’t think relationships while navigating recovery was possible, but this is one of few times I’m glad to have been wrong.

As of August 10th, 2024 I’m 1 year and 9 months sober. While sobriety wasn’t intended, it was surviving a covert narcissist that used alcohol as a means to continuously assault me that inspired the journey. Among other things, getting my shit together was all I cared to do after experiencing the hell I endured.

Now almost 2 years later I’m alive and thriving. I’m navigating life with a sense of direction and everything I do comes from a place of love. I’m slowing down, giving myself time to process things, I’m trusting my intuition more and fearlessly pursuing my passions.

June 30th, 2024 I met someone at a concert. Instantly, we hit it off and started going on dates. It was followed by frequent texting, regular dates, breathtaking sex, conversations about the future and sharing bits of our pasts. Everything seemed well, until it didn’t. Even with me creating safe spaces to have open discussions about concerns, it resulted in me having to disassociate because my intuition and body started to warn me something was wrong.

For full context please refer to my previous, recent post (Listen To Your Body)

I trust in my decision more than anything to separate from whatever doesn’t positively serve me, however because I wanted to give myself closure, I caved and responded to the texts my now former romantic interest sent. I understand that closure might not be achievable in every conflict but possible, I’d like to give it to myself and whoever else.

Before reaching responding to the texts, I gave myself time to mentally and emotionally prepare. I wrote down questions like, “Why am I reconnecting?”, “What do I want to say?”, “What am I expecting to gain out of this interaction?”, etc. Once I gathered myself, I responded communicating my grievances and asked to arrange time for us to speak.

After scheduling everything, I went on to enjoy celebrating 21 months sobriety. It started with me waking up feeling refreshed. I spent 15 minutes cleaning my room, I showered, cooked myself breakfast and caught up on current events. Then I worked through my self care routine. I checked in with friends, gifted a stranger a handmade care package, played in the park, brought some protection charms I plan to give loved ones, and spent the evening relaxing at home.

This evening at 18:00, August 11th, he’s coming over to speak. I’ve already prepared and decided that I’m going to go no contact for good, but I want to give him a protection charm to wish him well. After everything, I don’t think that we’d be a great fit for one another and the conflict of interests would create unhealthy tension. Recognising this, I’d rather us work on ourselves/priorities until we find someone’s whose desires are in alignment with our longterm goals.

Initially acknowledging this hurt, but I’ve taken all the time to reflect so now I’m able to have this conversation from a levelheaded perspective. Even though everything was short lived, I appreciate getting to experience what I imagine healthy conflict in a relationship would look like. It gives me hope, and I’m glad I had this learning opportunity. My heart will hurt every now and then reflecting but it’s for the best.