I'm motivated by the threat of harming myself with a knife. Is that normal?

I work as a designer and my problem has been getting myself to work. Not even no, getting myself to create..... I needed to create like crazy, and a lot. But up until a certain point, it wasn't working out much. I read a lot of articles on "where to find inspiration". I tried everything: the moon in Saturn, whispers in the woods, and all sorts of other nonsense. He unsuccessful attempts mood fell to zero, I lay on the bed and already wanted to cut a vein, to punish myself. And then from a strong emotion the strength began to come. The next time I took myself to the "extreme" and took a knife.Once again, the mood was going upwards. Everything is great, but I (and my boyfriend too) think it's not normal. Also, I cut myself once to feel pain..... I'm thinking how to take that away, it's not normal. And without that, how to look for inspiration.....