i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

So first things, This will be really long. I am really sorry about that and will be really thankfull if someone know the answer to my problem.

My name is Aldi, you can call me smam or aldi. I am 21 years old and currently doing thesis at my bachelor degree and have full time job + side job + enterpreneurship or building business with other people. I am the youngest from my brothers and i have 3 brothers, my family is kinda poor so i need to work extra hard to fullfill me and my family needs.

From primary school, I'll always getting bullied. In primary school i am getting bullied because i am really bad at sport, cant socialize much, and didn't really want to do bad things. There's only some people bully me tho but the bullying comes with physical (punching, kicking, etc) and verbal type. But i still got a really good friend, i still remember how kind he is and one time he teach me how to punch properly too but i never have the courage to do that before. I always hoping that primary school year will be done, then come middle school years. In the middle school i got much bigger problem, i have even less friend and the bully comes in group now. I still remember that the bully group will always wait me after school to do stuff you know what will happen, day by day i either rush to go home quickly or go out with the teacher. I always saying thanks to the teacher and the teacher looks really confused. Some of the time i got ganged up too, got punched in the gut, it really hurts. My only peace time in middle school is when i got into academic competition, my school will teach me in different room when class time so i dont need to attend class and meet with the bully group. Thankfully i am really good at mathematic so about 1/4 to half of my middle school time is spent on the special class for special student to learn for the competition. But thinking back i think i joinned up the competition so i dont get bullyed, but yeah day by day is like hell when i am in normal class and really hoping for middle school years to pass. To this year i still remember the name of the one who bully me, sometimes i search the leader who bully me, or the one who bully me. Most of the time i dont find their profile in internet, some ignore my chat, few people just said its in the past and it doesn't matter. It really hurts and haunt me sometime, to add some salt in the wound. I have friend in the middle school, but they betrayed me because they are afraid to get bullied to if they are become my friend. In high school, the difficulty seems to be lowered in a sense, except the lower difficulty is a fake. The bully still takes in group, but i managed to get some friends that want to talk and befriend with me, most of the time in school they hang out with the bully group but some time they have a nice chat with me. It's looks like a good time to me, until i found out its all a lie. The teacher hate me because i am strange and to strict (maybe because i dont want to do bad stuff, maybe because the teacher feel that handling one people is easier), my friend talk bad behind me when i am not in class, ect. I feel really betrayed, I dont even know who is my friend anymore and how to find a good friend. things maybe easier in the pyhsical bullying department compared to the middle school, but damn it is hurt in my heart.

You all maybe asking, why did stand idle or didnt ask for help? I do ask for help, a lot of time in fact. When i ask for my parent help, they only come to school and told the bully nicely (literally) to stop bully me. And you know what happen? it become worse because i am called a snitch and the bully become more aggressive. asking a teacher will result in the same stuff happening, either they told the bully or both of us going in discussion with teacher in middle one time then next day i got bullied more. Once my parent said for me to ask the bully forgiveness myself to stop bully me, but hell its only got worse. Lot of time people said to ignore the verbal bullying, I can ignore it but there is a cost to that and i will explain it later. Fighting off myself is impossible because they gank in group, my only saving grace is when i got separated because i need to study for competition.

In home, its not really a good place too. I must always yield/give in everytime, when i have a problem with my brother then i need to be the one to say sorry or they wont talk to me (my parent said that) then i need to kneel down and say sorry to them. My brother always got supported more for their school needs, When i make money then i need to pay for their necessities too. Last time i got in a fight with my brother, it is getting heated then my parents become sick because they are embarassed if neighbour heard our fight. So i need to backdown but my brother keep badmouthing me saying i am a thief ect. If you want the context, the internet package got depleted really fast and my brother have the tendency to blame others. I give every proof that when i use the wifi or i am not using the wifi (because i am not home and working far from home) and the internet package get depleted fast too. But my parents always ask me to back down and be patient. Right and wrong become gray to me, if being bad have no consequences and become more happy then why should i be good? why should i the one to back down? but yeah thats only one example of the problem.

For my university days, the first and second semester is really busy because orientation so not much stuff happening. In the second semester covid comes then everything become online so nothing interesting happen (maybe if covid not coming i will be bullied again?). Online classes keep happening till my last year, i only need to be patient at home and honestly its better than in school because i am not having problem with my brother everytime. Its just for my thesis, i need to do it by 3 people team. I choose my own member, the first one is my personal friend (yeah stupid me, i dont know if he is really my friend but i am having good time gaming with him) and the other one is someone who is really good at my thesis topic. Because i am always failing and need to take extra step and really cautious then i always plan ahead and choosing best member. I do the 60-80% part of the thesis and the rest is divided between my other member, i provided the necessary tool out of my pocket money even though i am really hard on money too so they can do their task easily. but what happen? THEY IGNORED ME FOR MORE THAN 6 MONTHS, i got really depressed because i need to graduate so my salary will increase and i hopefully theres some money left for me to enjoy (thats right, every month i always out of money because my parents will always ask for it like for my brother necessities). My brother didnt even have a job, they always ask for money then go out from home to look for job (its just empty words). But stupidly my parents always believe it and they got so much in debt because my brother sweet words. FYI my brother is 35+ years old now and they dont have a single job experience, they always get supported but i dont because i can fill my own necessities. Like i know i can fullfill my own necessities but its still really hard to see when my brother got provided with money but i need to work my ass off to pay for my college. FYI again My 2nd and 3rd brother is 35 years old with no experience and my 1st brother is 38 years old with full time experience but he got cancer and i need to help for paying the treatment too.

The problem i said above is just a glimpse of it, most of the time i always failed or the odds is stacked again me so i need to plan ahead and being extra carefull. Even though like that i still get screwed off sometime like my thesis that currently happening. My enterpreneurship with my friend where my friend work less and didnt answer my chat, I want to cut off the partnership but i still got a client that need to be done because my name is on it (hell the client is really slow too to provide what i need to finish the project).

Now lets talk what i feel and my problem is:

1. I am having a hard time trusting people
2. Got a bad dream sometime about the bad stuff happening to me like bullying and waking up really tired.
3. Can't smile because i always put poker face when i got verbally bullied.
4. Got really cold attitude and dont have any feeling, when my friend in primary school got an accident i didnt feel anything but i know that i must feel something because he is my friend. My oldest brother got cancer but i still dont feel any remorse at all.
5. Having anxiety, low self-esteem, closing my eyes and cant look at people when i speak, my legs and body really shaking when talking to people especially group of people.thats strange tho because i am a leader type in my job so i cant have these traits
6. Having really negative though, like i think that dying is better because i wont get any problem at all. Logically thats true, but on the one side i must keep living and never give up plus my religion said suicide is not allowed.
7. Envy when looking people happy, I dont know why its just i want to have a good childhood and life like them.
8. Got confused and self conflicting a lot.
9. My emotion is always jumping high and low, but i always keep it to my self and not showing it. Other people wont like it when i got mad right? but i am really happy when i do gaming and stuff i like.
10. Right now i am procastinating for my thesis, I need to do my thesis. but the stuff that left to be finished is the side that i am not really good at (designing stuff and learning new stuff), it should be where my two friend shine and good at. I try to learn it but sometime i lost motivation or my head hurts, but i need to do my thesis so my salary will Increase.

Someone, anyone please help. I really want to talk to therapy but i always self conflicting, on one side its really pricey and on one side i need to know a way to solve my problem. Hope someone can help me. I am really thankfull if you read it this far, and even more thankfull if you can give me some thought. Thanks!

Women's ways of solving problems.

If you think that when I passed the exams and got my license, all my problems were over, you are wrong. Problems arose often, considering that I drove a car every day. My husband, when I passed my driver's license, said, "It's nothing. Try to handle the maintenance of the car. I didn't want you to learn to drive, and I'm not going to take care of your car." Because the driver has to do it himself.

I was offended, of course. Then I got angry and said to myself, "I'll figure it out somehow, I have to prove to him that I can." Besides, what could be the problem?

Pretty soon it turned out that I didn't know how to fill up my car, and I had to go to gas stations with gas station attendants. I didn't know where the button to open the tank was. They helped me at the gas station (I endured the laughter).

I complained to a friend and she said, "Put on a pink dress and pretend to be a silly doll" at gas stations and car repair shops, which is what I always do. I looked at her surprised and incredulous.

What do you mean, stupid? I'm smart. A friend said "it works." So I bought a pink dress (that's a silly women's dress to me) and wore it to go out on the town. "Don't forget the silly look", said the friend, "no glasses. I decided that if I wore bright colors, I'd look sillier.

Pink scarf, stilettos, the look is complete. I was driving and I was afraid that the car would go bad and I wouldn't fix it, my husband used to scare me about it all the time.

And I started to hear whistling after a few days. The thing is that I did not buy a new car, as I was sure that I would definitely crash it. And then the whistle!

I didn't tell my husband (what's the point?), and went to the car service in my pink outfit. With a silly look I said that there was a "whistling" in the car. And the master looked at me with the expression "what can I take from her, she has no mind at all" and started to look at the car.

It turned out that the belt "on the alternator" had dried out and stretched. The foreman was sure of his diagnosis. And reassured me "buy it and we'll install it right away". What do you mean buy? Where and how to choose it?

Enjoying the fact that he clearly surpasses me in knowledge, the master said that there are no belts for my car, but you can pick up a similar one in the store and gave me a belt in my hands. That means I have to buy it without a car, I can't drive.

I mentally wished the master that his wife would give him tights in his hands like that with the wish "buy tights with the same number of dans". And I went to the nearest store. In the store, happiness was waiting for me from the queue of men at the cash register.

Seeing my unhappy pink visage with the belt "on the alternator" in my hands, everyone started to help me. A discussion ensued as to which one to choose for my mini car. I could see that my friend's method was "working".

I began to breathe easier, and I started to play the image of a "silly blonde" more confidently. In the end, the men chose me a universal wrench for the car (I didn't have one), and happily, with a new belt in my hands, I went to the car service. Further shots of the winner: "they change my belt", and "I'm going home with a victory".

I confidently came home and my husband asked "how was your ride?", "what's with the silly dress?". I carelessly said (I wrote down the phrase in advance): "I actually changed the belt on the alternator today.

And this is my new favorite dress

My parents don’t accept me. How am I supposed to live with this?

Mom made me see a doctor and now they're saying I have asperger's. I've always known that I was different, but now I feel like everything I thought I knew about myself is being denied. I've been struggling with my gender identity since school. The earliest wishes to be a girl that I remember are from age 9! I’ve been absolutely sure lately I’m a transgender girl, and I’ve finally spoken about it with my parents! My dad said I’d be a repulsive girl, and my mother insisted I’d always been autistic... And now she has a piece of paper with that diagnosis to back it up, and whenever I try to talk to her she says that my feelings about gender are just another one of my "obsessions", or "hyper-fixations" as the doctor called it. When I finally came out as a transgender girl to some of my friends, I thought I had found some peace. I was going to start HRT end of this year or early 2025 (depending on my finances), been saving money for it, since my dad definitely won’t pay. I’m scared. I don't want my parents to see me as some manic confused guy! I know who I am, and it's not just some phase or fixation... But my mom keeps insisting that I'm a boy with asperger's, and it's making me feel like a fake. I hoped so much she would support my transition. How do I make her see that my gender identity is fundamentally me and not just some symptom? I feel like she's trying to erase a part of me that I've fought so hard to understand. It's frustrating and it hurts so bad. She used to be my friend, she should be on my side. If only she’d just listen to me and try to understand instead of fitting me into a box that doesn't feel right. The hell do I do?