Lately, I've been feeling off. Sometimes I notice changes in my behavior—I'll feel different, like I'm not myself. I experience bouts of depression, stress, fatigue, and disinterest in things that used to excite me. It's like a mix of negative emotions swirling around inside me. I've become more emotionally fragile too; even small things can set me off, making me cry easily.

At home, it's tough. My parents constantly put me down, telling me I'm worthless, the worst person ever, and comparing me to everyone else. They expect perfection in everything I do, but no matter how much they criticize and pressure me, I seem to do worse than before. It's like a never-ending cycle of abuse. I hear more than ten insults (mostly abuses)every single day, and it's become almost normal for me to endure this verbal on slaught. But lately, even the slightest hint of criticism or yelling makes me break down in tears.

My emotions are all over the place. I struggle to feel love and happiness most of the time. My days are filled with sadness, frustration, intense anger, tears, and moments where I just feel numb. It's like I'm stuck in this whirlwind of negativity, and I don't know how to break free. I've tried everything to cope with what's going on, really. I've read up on how to reprogram my mind, tried to change my thinking patterns, but nothing seems to stick. It's like life keeps throwing insults at me, non-stop. Sometimes, I get so angry that I end up pushing away even the people who care about me. I just isolate myself and avoid talking to anyone.

Getting out of this negative cycle feels impossible. Even though my long-distance boyfriend loves me and tries his best to take care of me, I'm starting to doubt my own feelings for him. It's like my emotions are all over the place, and I don't know what to do.

Every day brings its own set of crazy situations. Whenever someone hears the full story of what I go through with my parents, they just shake their heads and say my parents must be mentally ill or something. I try to keep my distance from them, but it doesn't seem to help. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever or go deaf so I wouldn't have to hear their voices anymore. I'm getting more and more irritated, and I can't stand the sound of their voices.

Being human, we're greatly influenced by our environment. It's like they say, if you're surrounded by animals, you might start acting like one too. For me, it's like living in a world of constant negativity and abuse. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and I have little to no confidence in myself. I get really anxious around other people, and social situations make me extremely uncomfortable.

To make things even harder, I've been stuck at home for the past six years with no chance to travel or experience anything new. My life revolves around enduring these abuses, going to school, and then back home, day in and day out. It feels like there's no escape from this cycle of negativity.

July 2022 was the year I decided to start doing things outside my comfort zone as an introvert, so it began with presenting more feminine and bar hopping. I brought two-tone wigs, revealing clothes and started wearing makeup. I began going on dates with people from media apps and was treated to tacos and margaritas every other day. Then, 2 weeks into August I met someone special. It was from that evening forward, August 17th, 2022, that my life would change in the most unexpected way.

It was half past 19:00 when I pulled up to a rooftop bar in my new, red and black two tone wig. I was dressed in all black; a cropped fishnet top with leather pants and eccentric punk makeup. I took a seat by the window and then… I saw him. My server. The man I briefly dated and the abuser who traumatised me. After placing a carafe of water at my table, he gave me a gentle smile and introduced himself. Post taking my order, I noticed his flirtatious expression in between passing, most to which I returned.

A few drinks later I worked up the courage to shoot my shot and asked for his number, after asking if he’d take a photo of me dining, both to which he surprisingly obliged. The next day we went on our first date. He picked me up at a nearby park early afternoon and we spent the evening getting to know one another over sushi and plum wine. Everything seemed fine at first but then his mask began to crack and before I knew it, the abuse began.

It started with the evening I initiated our relationship, August 24th, 2022, where we hopped bar after bar, and each time he’d force me to drink with him. It wasn’t long before my intoxication as he already had me drinking since 4pm; specifically Prosecco (11% alc.) and Geikkeikan Saké (15.6%). To spare details, once he noticed I was in a drunken stupor, he escorted me to his place and sexually assaulted me. To this day I have little to no recollection of the event; I only remember collapsing on the bed, wavering in and out of consciousness before passing out and coming to at the sight of him fastening his belt, telling me, “Come on, I have to take you home.”

It was that day moving forward this became a pattern; coercing me to drink until I’m drunk so he could assault me, but it didn’t stop there. I foolishly introduced him to my at the time best friend who he not only attempted to triangulate between us, but sexually harassed despite our protests and isolate me away from them and other members of support. Among trying to financially control me with encouragement to quit my at the time job and live with him, he simultaneously triangulated an at the time coworker of his. Whenever we were at bars, he’d blatantly flirt with other people. Additionally, he’d make racially insensitive about minorities despite being a minority himself.

Whenever I would hold him accountable for his inappropriate behaviour or inflammatory remarks, he’d gaslight me or play victim. He projected accusations of infidelity onto me despite cheating on me with his ex and several other people, then began badmouthing my loved ones. He’d purposefully arrange and cancel, deprive me of sleep, ignore text messages, violate my boundaries despite there being clear communication, and misgender me despite knowing I’m not a woman as he’s seen me without wigs and makeup.

Throughout all of the mistreatment I did my best to give him the benefit of the doubt because the moment I entered that “relationship”, I said to myself that I want to ensure I’m exercising all the proper avenues to ensure it works and that I’m practicing healthy communication. September 26th, 2022 was the day I had enough and blocked him on everything, effectively ending our relationship. At the time of us dating, for every “situation” that triggered me it was also communicated to a trusted loved one. September 26th is the day they spoke my truth on behalf of me. September 28th, 2022 is the day I came forth myself speaking my truth.

Not even a week later, I began finding myself descend into a state of despondency. I couldn’t get out of bed, I lost my appetite, I was impulsively spending to cope and I became incredibly isolated. Despite being fortunate enough to be met with support when coming out, it didn’t change I didn’t have a personal support system. I took legal action and spent the next 7-9 months fighting health complications and legal affairs. What made it hurt twice as worse is with coming out, several other people traumatised by my assailant approached me saying he did the same thing to me.

However throughout this time, I actively sought professional help. I chose sobriety, started volunteering, I picked up boxing, and dedicated the rest of my time to creating a better life for myself. Came September 22nd, 2023 I received justice in a way that felt good to me. Many of hardships have become a lot more manageable and I’m thankful for the connections I’ve built from them and are maintaining today. Now, it’s August 1st, 2024 and 2022 feels far away. I’ve been so preoccupied with continuously practicing kindness, self love and restoring my health that I sometimes forget that entire ordeal happened. August 2022 was a terrible period in my life that could’ve actually killed me, but I’m so glad to have survived and came out stronger.

My assailant traumatised the ever loving hell out of me, but he traumatised me so badly it made me want to get my shit together. Sometimes I never know whether to hate him or thank him, but I generally feel indifferent. While he’s a covert narcissist and they rarely never change, that doesn’t mean I can’t continue to change myself.

My baby is 4 months old, and I think I’m going crazy. All my life I’ve waited for these moments when I’d be holding her in my hands. And now that my dearest dream has come true, I can’t feel joy. I’m angry and sad. I don’t think it’s how it should be? I worry all the time that I’m doing something wrong. It’s my first child, and I have no one to help. My partner is home only on weekends. My days are all the same, and nights are the worst, I can’t sleep for nights in a row until I’m so exhausted I drop dead and am woken up by my daughter’s screams. I’m mad at my partner, and I feel so bad about it... He almost stopped talking to me. I know I’m being mean and unfair, he’s working hard to support us all. But I can’t control it. A few words he says may make me cry. I’ve never cried so much in my life! It’s as if I’m always on edge, ready to burst. I push myself to get through the day, but it’s getting harder. Why? Shouldn’t it get better? I’m praying that next month it’ll be a bit easier, my partner’s parents will arrive for the holidays to help. But at the same time, I’m scared as hell that my future mother-in-law will judge me. My house’s a mess, I have no time to keep everything in order. I’ve gained weight. I hope my partner won’t show his irritation when his parents are here. I’ve googled about postpartum depression, and I think all the signs are there. But I can’t have meds prescribed, I’m still breastfeeding. Am I even allowed to feel that way?

Where do I even begin..

For years I wondered why am I so different,only to find out on my own during a tiktok that hey you might have ADHD combined..I come from a strict religious family where mental health is looked down upon,that if you suffering with anything pray and it will go away.but it's not at a point where that isn't enough.im stuck in a house of toxicity where I'm beginning to feel more and more overwhelmed.at first I just thought it's my personality,until it started spilling into my personal life,that I've been unemployed for so long as my ADHD seems to get worst and worst,I can't go to a doc to get diagnosed as I got helicopter parents and I'm a introvert.they will disown because they feel it is spirits and not a real problem.ive never felt so stuck in my entire life.im always the one they look to for all help,any problem they throw it on me,when I have issues I got no one, because I don't get heard.i get shunned away.that now it's got to a dangerous point.where it's bubbling ,all the emotions.i got no friends,not one,all the friends use me,and when I speak out and set boundaries they leave.i got no other fam, besides my immediate in which they only add and add to my plate.i struggle to find work as my ADHD is at a bad place.i haven't been diagnosed by a doc but I know 99 percent I got it.i can't organize to save my life,I struggle to focus,I can't sit still,I talk alot,I hyperfocus,I struggle to remember or pay attention to people talking or detail.i want out so bad..out of this house ..so I can be alone.just to think and feel and be me,I have no identity away from my parents.they always around,I got no rships in any form because they always in my life making decisions for me.when I try speak up about it,I get guilt tripped or get religious stuff thrown in my face.i am a very loveable and good hearted person but now it's at the point of my mental health,I have even through of suicide.because I feel cornered.i got nobody and nothing,I am very independent but can't find work because of this ADHD.i can't even be on medication because my parents don't believe in that,I tried other pain tabs,cannabis and nothing works.i just want to feel human,I feel like a robot instead,my brain never switches off,I struggle to sleep.i feel like I don't own my life..my parents are my life,I'm 27 and feel 10.they decide it all for me.ive never had people just be there for me in my life they always use me,or take advantage or better yet get close to me to spread gossip and my story to other people.i feel all alone...I'm tired of the arguments in my house,it's taking a toll on me,mentally even physically I've been getting sicker and sicker and they don't even see or shrug it off.im so confused,lost,depressed,in a bad space.i feel trapped in my room.waiting,but waiting for what? When I know no one's coming to my rescue..been currently unemployed I can't even buy stuff, everything is money,so that adds because now my parents pressure me.yet I'm at breaking point mentally,even if I had to start work I'd probably commit suicide or get fired after a day.. because my mental is at such a fragile place.idk how much more I can take till I break...I see others my age,get married,have boyfriends,go out on vacations,go to the mall and I hate myself more and more,I hate social media because it just reminds me of how bad I am in my situation.i never had a easy life,my childhood was worst.and I hate to be a victim or look for sympathy so I've bottled it in for years,and I guess this is the result of years of trauma.now I find comfort in been alone..I just want quiet and peace.but instead I get overwhelmed...I've never fitted in and I didn't have a problem with that when I was younger Until now,when I get shown other people's pics by my mom of what they doing etc.its the same routine everyday,monotonous.that many occasions I don't even want to wake up at all.i just need help or any direction..besides the one I'm in right now.