i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

The worst thing that happened to me was my ADHD diagnosis. It didn’t explain anything, all the things I wasn’t good at are as they were. Nothing changes, and my psychiatrist pisses me off when she’s so confident I’m doing better now… What about my mental burnout? It maybe got 5% less severe since I’m on a low dose stimulant. My attention levels got a tiny bit better. But at the same time I’m more irritable and I don’t enjoy my meals anymore, it all tastes bland.

When I interact with the world outside my small circle of friends, I’m still left mentally exhausted... I think before medication I used to be more restless and talkative, and people maybe thought I was weird? But now half of my day is spent overthinking things that don't deserve nearly as much attention as my brain is giving them. I’m daydreaming non-stop. My emotions are still on overdrive, but they sort of dulled down a bit. So yes, previously there was too much of me, and people probably didn’t like me for that... But now, whenever I talk to someone, I worry that I'm boring them to death. Nothing I say feels impactful. I focus so damn hard on the information I'm trying to convey, struggling not to say something out of context, that I end up sounding expressionless and mechanical, like a goddamn encyclopedia!

Dating was always an ordeal, but now it’s slow agony... Do stimulants make me boring or just dumb? It's bad enough that I overthink every interaction and am going out of my way not to get distracted by random topics that most people find uninteresting. I literally find myself talking about things like the Cold War or the Moon landing half of the time. Before my diagnosis, I called myself a nerd, an introvert. Now I have to be glad that I officially have a mental disorder? Seriously, all I dream about is to learn how to keep the conversation flowing naturally, and also to turn off my overthinking. Explaining this to people is a complete waste of my energy. Most people outside my circle have no idea what “ADHD” even means. How do you live with your diagnosis, did your psychiatrist help you?

// Sorry for ranting I don’t want to sound mean. Guess I sort of need to vent off my frustration, and I have no one to turn to right now...

I recently gone through a breakup and that left me with a lot of questions that am I not pretty enough or am I not enough

Ik it's all gone and done but it's hard to get over betrayal by your fav person and that too after 2.5 years of investment in them where they don't believe in you now

They left me with self doubt and

I feel like not included unwanted unloved

Sometimes i wonder and regret to get into this relationship but ik it doesn't matter anymore because it's all in the past but i can't get my mind off from things .

He lives in my neighborhood so i have to face him and his new her . I never talked to them but he left it on such note where I don't want to see him . it's hard to watch them together idk why people do that making someone feel like that.

Ik I'm overthinking it but its already been 6 months of my breakup and I'm still stuck

I have this job which I always dreamed off and now I'm dobuting it that am I going to achieve it . I lost some weight because I don't feel like eating somedays and ik it's unhealthy but idk what to do I can't study i can't focus because of him I lost some of my friends because we use to have common friends and now they are good friends of him and mine too they are nice but i can't blame them for anything they tried from there end to be friends with me but I don't want to put them in such spot so i maintain my distance.

Ik everything is in past now and do understand i can't do anything I can't change anyone or any situation but still idk why I'm not giving up on that thoughts

He ruined everything for me and ik it's wrong to blame him for everything because it's not his problem it's mine

At this point I shouldn't be worring about all this and should be focusing on my career it's crucial year for me

idk what to do honestly I have to give up now i have to stop now

Plz help

I just want to share everything that helped me on my journey (fighting anxiety and depression), in the hope someone with similar issues will read this and get inspired.

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression basically since school, but I first visited a therapist only when I was 34. I guess I reached that point in my life when it was “fight or die” stage. My anxiety was so severe I could barely leave my appartment let alone make it to a psychiatrist’s. I had to reschedule my first sessions and postponed them for almost 3 weeks, until my anxiety to get a rejection was higher than the horror of attending. People who have never been in my shoes do not understand that all the good and reasonable suggestions to eat healthy food, do exercises and sleep well are simply irrelevant when you can barely get out of bed. These things are definitely correct, but they won’t lift you up by themselves when your body is deficient of all the good things and your mind is reeling with thoughts “you’ll never get better”. I regret that I avoided medication and getting diagnosed for so long, just because I believed it was giving up. It’s right the opposite: when you’re a misfunctioning hopeless human being, you’re giving up! When you find the strengths to ask for help, you’re making steps towards healing. I’ve been taking medications ever since and see a psychologist regularly. I found a job that suits my needs, after a year of guilty procrastination. My social life has improved so much that I can actually meet new people and am making first tentative efforts to get back to good physical state.

Here’re some crucial changes that immensely helped me after I’ve started therapy:

* Hybrid work, which later turned to contract work. I’ve been stuck in that duality thniking that there’s either a full-time office job or no job, and nothing else can pay my bills. That’s such a ton of bullshit! A stressful job is your one-way ticket to burnout, panic attacks, and depression. You are not your job, don’t waste your health on it.

* Very strict diet. I don’t mean avoid junk food. I mean, forget about snacks, coffee, sugary stuff, and alcohol. I went gluten-free, and I believe it made a difference. This may sound like depriving yourself of the joys of food. Trust me, if you have problems with your gut (and 90% of people with mental health problems do), all your other attempts will get nowhere until you fix your gut. Everything is interconnected in the body.

* Forget about all social networks and all news outlets, except messengers (focused communication). The world is not your problem, until you solve your own problems.

* Nature and animals. Again, the first advice for people fighting social anxiety is to find friends, to socialize more... When your battery is super low, you won’t find the energy to connect with people. And they won’t have any idea what’s happening in your life, so social situations may only get you down and increase your feelings of anxiety and “loser moments”. I began my journey to inner harmony with reading books on human brain, depression and healthy habits. I have no beaches or mountains nearby, so I went out of my way to drive to the nearest wilderness every weekend. I had to make myself do it the first few times, but now it’s a habit, and it motivated me to start cycling. Most importantly, it helped me find my way to me, and stop worrying about lacking something, like relationships, etc.

To sum up, the journey out of complete darkness is dead hard. But everyone can do it, starting with professional help. Thanks for reading!