From the age of eight, I’ve constantly fantasised about going no contact with my immediate relatives the second I became an adult because they’re genuinely awful people. While having self awareness is a blessing, the unfortunate thing about possessing it at as a child was being able to recognise a lot of abuse I endured was unjust. What adds insult to injury is that when trying to speak up and defend myself, I was demonised and invalidated.

At the age of 14 I developed an interest in psychology and proactively began researching into various subjects. Upon recurring hospitalisations I was diagnosed with coexisting personality disorders among other things as a result of the trauma experienced and spent many years attempting to advocate for myself because I couldn’t trust relatives, the police or firemen to.

As an adult now I continue to research and educate myself on psychology. As a tool to educate myself and understand others. While I’m yet to go no contact with my narcissistic relatives, comprehending their behaviours makes tolerating their toxicity somewhat easier. With me being two almost three years into my recovery, they’ve amped up how much they’re attempting to self sabotage me.

I have a self care routine that’s imperative I’m given time to work through but every time I’m constantly disturbed. They understand it dysregulates and frustrates me yet it’s done repeatedly as a way to upset me. I exercise regularly at the gym and cut fast food because it’s a detriment to my health yet I’m continually being “encouraged” to cancel my gym membership and am tempted with restaurant food. Any and every time I speak up, respectfully or otherwise, I’m antagonised or told I’m “doing too much.”

I’ve been in therapy and actively researching long enough to understand the truth in the saying, “No one who truly loves themselves would feel the need to hurt or belittle others.” So recognising this, training myself to become non reactive has proven extremely beneficial. When I share these hardships with others, if I share these challenges with others, sometimes I’m met with invalidating statements such as, “That's your family” and that I’m supposed to be forgiving.

Forgiveness is optional, nobody is entitled to it. Doesn’t matter if they’ve changed and is doing better or if they’ve apologised and genuinely mean it. Someone being “family” or having blood relation doesn’t excuse their inappropriate or abusive behaviour. Living and being surrounded with bigoted people and narcissists is frustrating to say the least, but the more I learn, the easier it becomes for me to tune out the bullshit. I just can’t wait to go no contact so I can continue creating the life that’ll feel good for me.

Over the past few years as pop culture psychology and self diagnosing increasingly becomes acceptable, I’ve noticed this peculiar mindset of people pushing the narrative that having mental health disorders and disabilities excuse abusive behaviour or mistreatment of others. It’s frustrating because trauma being understandable doesn’t make maltreatment acceptable and seeing victims and survivors alike who RESERVE THE RIGHT to not forgive their perpetrators be demonised makes my blood boil.

This especially aggravates me when it comes to the debate of whether or not narcissists are absolved of their abhorrent behaviour because of their disorder. As someone who also has mental health issues and disabilities I understand it impacts people differently. Regardless of the condition, I do my best to be understanding and empathetic but when it comes to narcissists? Absolutely not. After escaping and surviving a handful of narcissistic relationships throughout my life, I absolutely refuse to even SYMPATHISE with a narcissist.

What people fail to realise is just because someone apologised doesn’t mean the person (or people) they’re apologising to, if they even apologised to begin with, has to accept it the same way nobody is obligated to forgive or receive forgiveness. Any time I see people try to argue why narcissists shouldn’t be demonised it automatically tells me they either don’t care about victims/survivors or that they have saviour complexes of some kind. While I am someone who does their best to educate themselves (and have thoroughly educated themselves on narcissism), there’s nothing anyone can say or do to ever make me empathise with them.

A lot of us carry pain and trauma with us from catastrophic events we experienced in our lifetimes but don’t use it as an excuse to abuse and mistreatment others and I’m tired of seeing people coddle them. Narcissists aren’t these helpless little babies, they know what they’re doing and take pleasure in the pain they cause people. It’s weird and it’s fucking twisted. Even being in the radical acceptance stage of my recovery you will never catch me pitying narcissists just because I know and cognitively understand their perspective.

My social life has undergone some significant changes lately. I made the difficult decision to cut ties with some friends who were having a negative impact on my life. Although I initially felt relieved, I now experience moments of sadness. It seems like there's nobody left to lean on for support. I've noticed my mindset has also become increasingly negative. Even on days where everything goes well, I can suddenly feel overwhelmed with sadness and struggle to remember any positive experiences. Any advice for me?

They label it “hyper independence”, I refer to it as being self-reliant.

They see it as having “trust issues”, I perceive it as people having issues with being truthful.

It’s incredibly infuriating how people are willing to deflect accountability and will accuse you of everything in the book when in actuality it’s just you calling them out on their shit. I know there’s a difference between isolation and holding space with yourself but because of recurring situations, I’m choosing to isolate. I’m isolating because I’m tired. I’m tired of experiencing the same shit and I’m tired of meeting the same, unhealed people just in different situations.

I’m not “hyper independent” because I have no problem asking for help when I REALLY need it, but I recognise everything starts with me and that I’m the only person with the power to change the circumstances of my situation. If I wait around for others then nothing will get done. Opportunities don’t just fall into a person’s lap, they have to create them, and every day I’m putting in my best effort to ensure I create as many as possible.

I don’t have trust issues because I possess discernment and accept people for who they are. When they show me their true colours, I don’t feel the need to repaint or attempt to change them. I acknowledge that’s their character and act accordingly, even if it means separating myself indefinitely or permanently. What I DO take issue with is people lying to my face then playing victim when they experience the consequences of their actions.

Allowing myself emotional vulnerability is something I’m continuously working toward because growing up, I didn’t have a safe space to express myself. I didn’t have the support systems I have today but even now I still struggle because I only feel seen and supported in limited spaces such as therapy and workshop. The one time I tried reaching out for comfort from the few people I wanted to call friends, it went exactly how it did in the past and now I’m closing myself off.

I clarified that I was seeking support and not advice, but whether than listening they either: affirmed me where I wasn’t looking to be, didn’t understand or it turned into them venting about their problems and me comforting them. While I recognise they aren’t intentionally being malicious, it doesn’t change that it hurts. I’ve already talked to them about this but where I’m at now, even knowing it’s a trauma response, I feel so much more comforted in isolation. This isn’t going to change me being vulnerable when needed, but moving forward I have no intention of befriending, dating or creating relationships with anyone until I get other priorities in my life together.

So fuck it. Call me hyper independent and accuse me of having trust issues. Nobody understands my situation more than I do because I’m the person living through it. Whatever hardships I face, success I experience or accomplishments achieved, will all stay between me and my therapist. I understand that by choosing to isolate myself I’m damaging what little support I could receive outside of therapy and workshops but I’ll figure it out. I just don’t have the heart to continue being disappointed by people.