I hate seeing our parents age and struggle, especially when they're being stubborn about their health. Unfortunately, you can't force your old man to do anything he doesn't want to do. Trust me, I've tried, and it only leads to more frustration. What worked for me was finding sneaky ways to get my mom to take care of herself without her realizing it. I'd invite her over for dinner and "accidentally" cook super healthy meals. Or I'd ask her to come with me on walks because I "needed company". It's not a perfect solution, but it's something. And hey, sometimes you just gotta let them make their own mistakes. It sucks, but they're adults too. Keep showing up though, and hope that eventually, he'll come around
@billyjohnson thanks for sharing your experience. It really helps to hear from someone who's been through something similar. You're right, I can't force my dad to do anything he doesn't want to. I've been trying to talk to him, but it just leads to arguments. I like your idea of finding sneaky ways to help him take care of himself. I'll keep showing up and hope he comes around eventually. It's just hard not to worry
@billyjohnson you're right, I do need to take care of myself too. It's just so hard to step back when I'm constantly worried about him. But I'll try to set some boundaries and make time for myself. He used to love playing chess, maybe I could find a local chess club or something. It might give him a reason to get out of the house and socialize. I'm also thinking about talking to his neighbors, just to have someone else keeping an eye on him. Is that too much? I don't want to invade his privacy, but I'm just so concerned. How did you deal with the guilt when you weren't constantly checking on your mom? That's something I'm really struggling with.
@billyjohnson you're right, my dad is an adult. It's just hard to remember that sometimes when I'm so worried. I'll definitely look into that chess club idea. Maybe I could even learn to play and join him. It would be nice to have something we could do together
@jodonnell.1984 I totally get it, man. Worrying about our parents is a full-time job. you gotta take care of yourself too. All this stress isn't good for you, and you can't help your dad if you're burning out. try to find some balance ? Set some boundaries for yourself, like only checking in on him a couple times a week instead of every day. And don't forget to do things that make you happy. Go out with friends, watch a movie, whatever helps you relax. It's not selfish, it's necessary. Oh, and have you thought about getting your dad involved in some kind of community activity? Sometimes loneliness is the real killer. My mom started something at the local library after retirement, and it did wonders for her mood. Maybe there's something like that your dad would enjoy? Just a thought. Hang in there, buddy
@jodonnell.1984 Talking to the neighbors is a great idea! It's not invasive at all. As for the guilt, man, that's a tough one. I still deal with it sometimes. But here's how I see it: by taking care of yourself, you're actually in a better position to help your dad. Your dad's an adult. He's made it this far in life, he's got some skills. Give him some credit. Maybe he's just going through a rough patch and needs time to figure things out
Sometimes we watch the People we love hurting and we can't really do anything to help the no matter how much we try to do so ,as a parent all you want is what's best for their children and maybe sometims when they are hurting they don't want you see them like that so they put on a act hopping that you will won't notice.... Am really sorry your going through that with your father. You being to hard on yourself.....you're a caring child and am sure you father appreciates you... Just give him a hug and hold him tight remind him that he's still loved and your there for him your not helpless and neither his he and at the end of the day that's all you can do.....is be there for them.
Am sorry I couldn't give you more advice or what to do to solve this but I hope this helps.
@GideonAbulcem thank you so much for your kind words. I think I really have been too hard on myself. I'm trying my best, and I hope he sees that. Your suggestion to give him a hug and remind him that he's loved - that's perfect. I get so caught up in trying to solve the problem that I forget the simple things. I'll definitely do that next time I see him. Just being there for him, even if I can't fix everything, that's important too. Thank you so much ❤️
@GideonAbulcem thank again. I'm thinking about reaching out to his friends or neighbors, so they can look after him, do you think it's too much? I don't want to betray his trust, but I'm also very worried
@jodonnell.1984 you're most welcome....I hope things work out for you
@jodonnell.1984 that is a good move . When we are going through something tough having people who care about you around you could really make things easier.. you know your dad better than anyone if you think this is a great move the go for it because you have his best interest at heart . Just take it slow... Start with his closet friends.
Stay strong, friend. Your dad's lucky to have such a caring kid. Sending positive thoughts your way!
@Kelly Kelly, thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me right now. It's hard to see my dad like this. He used to be so full of life, always taking care of everyone else. Now it's like he's given up on himself. But how can I not worry? He's my dad, and I love him. I feel like I'm watching him slowly fade away, and I don't know what to do. Have you ever dealt with something like this? How do you convince someone to take care of themselves when they don't want to?
@Kelly I have to admit I've been neglecting my health lately. I've been so focused on dad that I've been skipping gym sessions and eating a lot of junk food. I guess I need to practice what I preach, huh? I hadn't thought about talking to a therapist, but that's not a bad idea. It might help me process all these emotions I'm dealing with. Do you think it would be worth trying to get Dad to see a therapist too? Or would that just push him away more? I'm so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and making the situation worse
@Kelly I've been so focused on Dad that I've forgotten how to take care of myself. I think you're right about treading carefully. The support group is a great suggestion, I'll do some research and see if there's anything like that in his area
@jodonnell.1984 you can't force your dad to take care of himself. He's an adult, and as frustrating as it is, he has the right to make his own decisions. What you can do is continue to show him love and support. don't forget to take care of yourself too. It's easy to get so wrapped up in worrying about others that we neglect our own well-being. Have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor about this? They might be able to give you some strategies for coping with the stress.
@jodonnell.1984 I'm glad you're recognizing the need for taking care of yourself. Maybe you could turn some of that caretaking energy towards yourself? Regarding therapy, I think it's a great idea for you. Having a neutral party to talk to can be incredibly helpful. For your dad, though, I'd tread carefully. Some people, especially of older generations, can be pretty resistant to the idea of therapy. Maybe you could start by suggesting he join a support group for divorced men?
Could you offer to accompany your dad to his next doctor's appointment? Having a supportive presence can make all the difference. It might be helpful to educate yourself about his condition and potential complications of untreated high blood pressure. This knowledge could help you communicate the importance of regular check-ups more effectively. Change won't happen overnight, especially give how stubborn you dad is
@lion thank you for your advice. I really appreciate your suggestion about accompanying my dad to his appointments. It's a great idea, and I'll definitely try to make that happen. It's just so frustrating because I know he knows better. He used to be so on top of his health. I guess the divorce hit him harder than we all thought. I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard when I'm so worried. I've been thinking about maybe reaching out to his friends, see if they can encourage him too. Do you think that's overstepping? I just feel like I need to do something more. This whole situation is really stressing me out
@lion you're right. I think I will reach out to his friends. There's this one guy, who's been his buddy since college. I bet he'd be willing to help. The idea of setting up a regular check-in is good too. I've been trying to visit when I can, but having a set schedule might make it easier for both of us. Thank you, really. I've been feeling so alone in this. It's jus hard to see someone you love not taking care of themselves, especially when it's the person who taught you to take care of yourself in the first plac
@lion you're right, he probably feels like he's losing control, especially after the divorce. I'll try to approach it more as a collaboration rather than me telling him what to do. The letter idea is interesting too. I've always found it easier to express myself in writing, and it might be less confrontational for him. I'll give that a try. Thanks again! Literally crying rn, why are you so kind to me 😭
@jodonnell.1984 Reaching out to his friends isn't overstepping at all, people are more receptive to advice from their peers. Perhaps this could help him stay active and social. Have you considered setting up a regular schedule to check in on him? Maybe a weekly dinner or a Sunday call? Consistency can be comforting, especially after a major life change like divorce. You're doing your best, i'm proud of you
@jodonnell.1984 You know what else I've been thinking? Sometimes, people resist help because they feel like they're losing control. Maybe you could ask him what he thinks would help him stay healthier? This could make him feel more in charge of his health. Also, have you considered writing him a letter? Sometimes it's easier to express our deepest concerns in writing, and he can read it at his own pace
Divorce makes a person feel isolated.
I understand you are feeling scared as you feel he is not taking care of his health but don't let your emotions take hold of you. First you need to take care of yourself and not get overwhelmed by taking this as your job. There are different ways to handle this situation:
You need to spend time with him by doing an activity he likes so say watching a movie or a game or walking in the park. Find an interest an hobby of your dad which can make him feel better. Do it every week to strengthen the bond with him which will help him to communicate at ease about his feelings. It will help you also to understand what is happening with him emotionally.
If you instruct him or tell him to do something he wont. As a parent they would want to take their own decision and not be asked to do something. If you find a way to communicate in a way that will maintain their autonomy and independence then they will do it. So you can always just ask how is your health as just a normal routine. Then you can just add if there is anything you can always reach me. i would accompany you to the doctor. You will have to probably say this couple of times and have patience. It will not happen in one sitting. You also need to understand the reason why he is taking it so causally or is there any fear of what doctor might say . This understanding can happen by doing activities with him which will help him to open up with you.
You could also say you have not been feeling well and ask him if he can accompany you to the doctor. Then you can always say him once reaching the hospital now that we are here at the hospital can we check with your doctor too along with mine.