Man, you shouldn’t feel awful. Your parents should! They’re obviously wrong to indulge their grown-up daughter. It’s an unpleasant thing to do, but I think you should stand your ground, or else you’ll never be able to influence them. It’s so weird that they haven’t called you yet, giving you any kind of explanation or apology..
Hi, Christopher. This is indeed an ugly situation. As a mother, I can understand what your parents are going through. We love all our children, regardless of their faults! I’m sorry that you have to be the one responsible for the financial part both, for your parents and your own family. It must be hard. Perhaps you could find it in your heart to visit them and talk some sense into them? You can think of some limits for the next year, for example, you can control their spending by having access to their card history. I’m sure it’s possible to think of something that will make the whole thing less painful for you.
@Rita Yeah, send them more money and see exactly how his sister spends it? I think it’s too generous. Even parents need a cold shower from time to time. I don’t want to be rude, but, in my opinion, the only way this can work is to order all the needed things and groceries right to the house. Help them with food and small things, but no money.
@copilot42 It’s easy to judge when you’ve never been in a similar situation yourself. I’m not saying you’re wrong. Buying things the family needs instead of sending money may be a good compromise for all. However, there’s an emotional side to it too. We’re quick to hurt each other’s feelings, not realizing how difficult it can be to heal those wounds later. I’m sure there should be an amicable way out of this, a diplomatic decision made at the cost of someone’s pride.
Your sister can call you all the names she likes, but she’d better focus on her own well-being. It sounds like she’s not a decent person. She needs professional help to get over her addiction. Also, if by “wreaking havoc in the neighborhood” you imply she got involved with the wrong people, then she must leave. If she agrees to get help but is surrounded by other addicts, she’ll get sucked back in again.
@copilot42 Thanks for your support! My parents will never apologize. I can’t even imagine it. My father may be strong enough to accept he’s been wrong. I actually believe he is on my side. It’s his habit to stick to mom in any case. My wife also thinks I must wait it out and keep silent for some time. I’m so conflicted at the moment!
@Rita Yes, I know what you mean. My mother also likes to say that she loves us equally, even though she thinks I was born 2 years later than I should have been born. She says I should have been the elder brother. But what’s the difference? It’s not age that makes my sister act that way, she isn’t young or helpless. It’s what she did to herself!
I suppose you can make it so that your parents’ bills (medical, groceries, etc.) are sent to you, and you pay them instead of letting your parents do it. It’s not ideal, still it’s something.
Honestly, what a painful story. I’m not on very good terms with my sister, but I guess I’m lucky all the same… Have you ever confronted your sister about her behavior? The sooner she’s sent to a rehab the better, or she may end up in prison some day or worse… I know you’re not of a high opinion about your sister, but she is not lost. It’s never too late to recover. I’ve read about people who quit in their fifties and were able to reintegrate and readjust to the world. I recently learned that in the US we have free mental health hotlines, you can call them and see which local hospitals they’d recommend for your sister.
@nemesis I can do that, however, I’m afraid it means my parents will have some of their own money freed up, and they will give that to my sister. I can’t think of any plan where I won’t be her donor, directly or indirectly.
It makes total sense that this situation is making you feel angry. You've worked hard to support your own family and your parents, only to find out that your sister benefits the most from the money you send. It's understandable that you'd feel like you can no longer keep up with this arrangement.
There might be an inner conflict arising: on one hand, you care about your parents and want to help them; on the other hand, you work hard to earn this money and fear it will be taken by your sister, who isn't contributing.
It's important to acknowledge that we can't change other people's choices and behaviors, but we can focus on something within our control. For example, you could talk to your parents directly about what's bothering you. However, make sure you approach them from a space of love and care. First, calmly discuss your perspective, expressing your concerns and how it feels when your sister spends the money meant for your parents.
For instance: "I send you money because I care about you deeply and want you to enjoy life. However, it frustrates me and I feel taken advantage of when I realize that you give this money to my sister, potentially supporting her addiction. I believe no one benefits from it".
Afterward, ask them about their own perspective, feelings, needs, and concerns. Listen empathetically, trying to avoid defensiveness or aggression. If both sides are willing to listen, there is a possibility to find a healthy solution.
If you proceed with the decision to stop your financial contributions, you can set a clear boundary by calmly explaining them how the situation distresses you and how much you've already helped financially, and you can't keep doing it until there's a change. Remember, it doesn't make you unfair or ungrateful. You're approaching this situation realistically and standing up for yourself.
You need to set ground rule firmly where you clearly state your fixed contributions monthly.