I was once dating a man who wanted 4 children, while I can only see myself having one. We broke up in the end, and the number of children was the least of our issues. If you align in personality and life goals with your partner, then it seems irrational to give up on such relationships without even trying to find a compromise?
I don’t want to rush you into any decisions - two years is quite a lot, and you must be aware how deep your feelings for your partner are by now. I just want to say that I’m child-free, and, though I’m younger than your partner, I know it’s an important topic for me. I wouldn’t start any serious relationship without making sure that my vision of my future correlates with that of my partner. And I don’t believe that anything anyone would say would make me change my mind. So I don’t think anyone’s experiences can help here. It’s really up to you to decide what future you want for yourself.
The most important question is why your girlfriend wants to have children. You sound as if you have never asked her. A vision of an ideal family is all good and well, but has she looked objectively into what is required to be a parent? Is she ready, emotionally and financially, to raise a child? How does she envision it: will she keep working or does she want to sit at home. Try talking to her about it. If she truly wants to be a parent, you’ll both see it, and there won’t be a question whether she can change her mind. Then it will be only up to you whether you want or not to be part of it…
It may be that you’re still too young to make such long-term life choices. I’m not saying it to offend you! I think there’s nothing wrong with starting families later in life. My own first marriage was a disaster! Thank god we didn’t have children. I later married my current wife, and by the time we met I was in my late 40s and quite ready to be a father. My wife is 11 years younger, so no problems there. It’s a mistake to become a parent out of pressure or because someone else is running out of time. You must want it yourself! So take your time to think, and don’t blame yourself for any outcome!
Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can dissuade her. Even if you do for a while, imagine all the resentment she will feel towards you if she regrets it later. If her reasons were pure peer pressure and society expectations, I guess she’d be more open-minded about it. But in your scenario, you need to make your own choice now: is being child-free so important to you that you’ll consider leaving her for another woman? I myself had to leave my partner who did not want to have a family and children, while for me it was my life goal. No regrets! The universe will always help you meet someone who’ll be able to make you happy.
You know that stupid question all recruitment managers ask during an interview: what do you want your life to be in 10, 20, 30 years? Well, it’s a not-so-silly question to ask any potential partner! If you’ve told your partner how you’re feeling about paternity at the beginning of your relationship, then it was her conscious choice to continue. However, if it’s only now that you’re realizing how you’re feeling about it, I think it’s a bit unfair towards your partner. You should be honest to the last bit with her about it. You’re a team, and such issues should be discussed between you two, even if we, internet strangers, are easier to talk to ;)
Don’t worry. I think a lot of women are going through the same questioning phase, and recently they’ve begun to plan kids for later in life. Why do you think you’re child-free? Your attitude may change with age, and there’s nothing wrong about that. Well, absolutely no issue if you decide you never want to have children, but why put labels on yourself so early? I’d surely not tell any potential partners that I’m child-free, unless I’m 100% sure. For many women it’s a red flag
Sorry, you’ll never be “ready” for having babies. It just happens. You can plan all you want, it’ll be as it has to be. Your girlfriend may be talking about it exactly because she lacks some sort of bigger commitment from you. Why don’t you tell her what you’ve told us: that right now you don’t feel like it. It may create a rift between you and even lead to a breakup, but you won’t waste each other’s time that way. Or, if you accept the possibility that your feelings may change in the future, why not give some reassurance to your partner, even in the form of a possibility, not a promise.
It’s such a tough question. I grew up in a household with no men, raised by mother and grandmother. My mother was bitter about having to do this alone, and she sometimes said children were a burden. This stuck to me. Some of my friends who had children seem to regret it now, especially those who later divorced. It’s literally the most crucial decision in life. And, just like you, I’m overcome by fear and doubt. I’ve felt like this for years now, and can’t choose the side.
Such serious decisions are not the ones you’d rush to make. And if your partner wants to become a mother out of fear she’s running out of time, it’s a very very bad reason. Anything done out of fear is destined to misfunction. Have you ever talked about other possible options? Surrogacy / adoption?
Hello,
Thank you for sharing your story. When two people in a relationship are not on the same page about having children, it can be one of the most challenging situations a couple can face.
However, having a deep conversation about this is crucial before proceeding with the relationship and starting a family. Think of it as an opportunity to learn more about each other's desires and concerns. Be patient and honest with each other. It doesn't have to be one big conversation but rather a series of small ones. This relieves pressure and allows reflection between discussions.
Think about what you want to discuss. Consider these questions to ask each other:
- How do each of you feel about having children and why?
- What are your thoughts on the timing, and why? How long is your partner willing to wait before having children or before you make a decision?
- Will either of you feel unfulfilled if you don't have kids?
- What fears and concerns do both of you have about having or not having children?
- What would it take for each of you to change your opinion?
Before discussing it with your partner, it can be useful to answer these questions for yourself. Identify what makes you hesitant about having children and your main concerns, including the ones you already mentioned (less free time, inability to go on vacations whenever you want etc). Perhaps, it's unwilling to accept the responsibility, general dislike of children, not having parental urges or something else.
Addressing these concerns is important and it gives you and your partner an opportunity to look for compromises and creating a plan, If you want to.
For instance, if you're unsure about handling responsibility, you might want to try babysitting your siblings' or friends' children for a prolonged period of time or even becoming foster parents later in life to understand parenthood better. If there's a fear of taking care of a baby and lack of free time, you can think about getting some additional support like hiring a babysitter.
Don't rush into conclusions. Consider talking to a couple therapist or counselor if you feel like you need someone to mediate this discussion and come to a healthy resolution.
To make this decision whether you are not suited or not is crucial. you need to assess the situation from different angles to understand what is important for you and her as well.
For this you need to first understand :
# this conversation goes well beyond the simple desire and delves into financial, familial and social impacts of having a child. you need to have this conversation to understand practically how close or far apart you are in terms of expectations.
you both can always sit with a therapist to discuss as well. After all this if you are firm that your thought process wont change then you need to make a decision for your future. Making a conscious decision only after knowing what you want and why you want is what real freedom is all about.