Me and piku were in a 13 years relationship of long distance where he became the most eternal part of my life. We gave each other all that is needed for a strong bond and love. We did had fights and misunderstandings but these moments made us inseparable. He is still in every breath of mine. But tomorrow, will be his one month engagement to other girl. His words were that his parents did not agree to our inter caste marriage so he said yes for his marriage to another girl. His this action has broken me into pieces. I am unable to breath clearly. His separation is making me feel worthless and horrible every second of my life. I do want to live for my parents and family but this is being the biggest shock of my life and i cannot bare the pain. I am still praying tongod to send him back everytime and also feeling pity at the same time that why I brought him so close to me, gave him myself completely and is now feeling him everywhere around me. Friends family suggested me to block him, delete his pictures, chat everything, but i know if I do it now, I will be spineless when I will need him emotionally. I do know that girl might be superb for her in every aspect,they might fall in true love, but the thought of him loving other girl is killing me. I was not at all the same woman when we were in relationship. I was the most rigid one and very flexible to the situation. I did tell him so many times to end this relationship and did stay quite far to let him go and explore his life, but that time he did come back many times, he even ended our breakup by proposing me on a phone call after being selected as an officer. Now I feel the table has turned, I have become the seeker and he as the strongest man on this earth without any feelings or emotions for me. Right now, I am just in a situation to punish and hate myself for everything I have done to my life. I pray good for him but still waiting...

THIS MUST SEEM TOO LONG TO READ AND WILL UNDERSTAND IF ANYONE DON'T WANT TO READ IT BUT I THOUGHT OF SHARING IT. IF YOU READ TILL END THEN I AM ALREADY VERY THANKFUL TO YOU.

I don't know if I am making any progress in life, is it going to make things in my life better or just trying (like a missile with no guidance system) which won't have any good end result. Like is it all just an illusion that I am trying to achieve goals in life and will achieve something which I want to in the end but the end result will be zero (0) because I am not able to do it properly or I am just not able to (or not upto the mark at this stage of my life).

To make things clear, I am 27 years old. Computer Science Engineer with no proper (coding) skills to secure a good job in any company. So basically I have been jobless since I passed out from college which was in 2018. It is not like that all the B.tech graduates in India have good proper skills (right after college) to secure at least a freshers job after passing from college. Even after 2-3 years of passing out there are a lot of options. After 3-4 years of passing out and not having work experience is when the need to acquire good skills is required.

Now, how I got into this situation is by MY OWN DECISIONS. I will make this short as I don't want to explain more than what is required to get to know my situation.

I loved a girl from high school truly and madly. Actually we both loved each other. But I loved her more than she or I would have ever thought of. We broke up after 3.5 years of relationship. Then all in my mind left was just her (like everything about her only) and god knows I cried a lot and even tried a lot to get myself move on in life and make myself successful because breakups happen to almost everyone. But I failed miserably in it and also in my high school board exams too. In the meantime she went through a lot too but she was always smart, mature and she moved on. She went to another city, made friends and also kept in mind about career growth. She also went into relationships (some worked some didn't but now she is in a filmy kind of relationship which means she is like in a dream love affair and will get married soon too). But all these times we kept talking and chatting (as a friend) whenever we got time (meaning whenever she got time because I was always there for her everything from texts to calls like everything). And all those times I just acted that I am okay because I was happy that she is doing good in her life and I always just kept my feelings to myself. But I was in deep pain. Even when I got the chance to get into new relationships I just was not up for it.

Reality was after I lost her I lost everything in my life (except thank god not my family). I started drinking hard, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed and then hard drugs because these things used to give me escape from the reality in which I was living now. I know I should have faced reality head on but I was emotionally too drained and invested in her. I always used to wait a year when she would come back home from college and we used to meet (like 1-2 times max 3 times). And I would just listen to her looking at her (like how a child looks at the toy he/she wants from a toy shop). I never told her what I felt all those times and what it was like meeting her after a year of hoping to meet her. And the tears of mine when she used to leave I remember them so vividly that I can't forget them. This was the only thing which kept me going. That feeling of hope that I will meet her again.

Then sh*t and life both happened and I was left with nothing. Only her memories were and are by my side now. And will always be (no one can take this from me).

Now more hard drugs, drinking and everything happened and my career was down in the gutter. When I used to get sober everyday or every other day dreams of her used to pay me a visit everytime I tried to sleep. Even sleep was like a luxury to me. And feeling depressed was normal. Then relapses of addiction happened again and again.

Right now, I am completely sober for a few months and I still have dreams about her (to remind you yeah even after 13 fuc***g years). That love of mine has changed me completely (I won't be able to explain more about it but for an instance now I don't even laugh properly).

But now I want to be successful in my life. All those things which I turned down because I was not alright I want it now. It will be the only thing which will bring joy into my life because after hitting rock bottom and getting back up takes a lot of courage, strength, dedication and hard work and if I will be able to get back up then in my eyes I will gain my respect again.

I am trying to get certifications so that I can be able to fulfill the career gap which I am having. But the thing is I am not what I used to be. I am not what others in my batch are. I am not able to learn fast. Or if I am able to learn fast I am not able to practice properly to have a grip on the topic or language. I make plans but I fail in fulfilling them. And I wake up everyday feeling depressed because of lots of things (like how my peers have achieved so much till now and where I am now, also about her of course etc). I am angry both at her and myself too. I am angry and I am in a lot of pain too. I feel a range of emotions. I have self doubt. Also recovering from years of drug abuse and it will take time. But somehow I just feel am I not enough anymore or was I ever?

I don't have that confidence left in me. I am trying but I am not even sure if it is going to help or not.

A lot is happening and has happened. I can't even write my feelings, my emotions, my stories (it's overwhelming and too much) but I want it all to end because now I am too fed up. I can't take it anymore. I have to get something which will make me feel I am not a loser (I have been but don't want to be anymore). I know I have been a complete idiot, stupid or whatever you think of me. Also if you felt too much trouble to understand what I tried to express then no worries because I know I am not good at expressing my thoughts, feelings or even articulating words. I am just a loser, a total wreck who is just trying to get back up. Bear with me.  

I don't know how to explain what's happening in my mind.

For a long time now, the idea of pain has made me feel... something. Excitement. Or maybe adrenaline. Back when I did self harm, it felt like I deserved it. Like I I was fixing something that is wrong. It felt like it's fair. It felt satisfying.

I stopped three years ago. I made a promise and kept it. I've been cut free for three years, three months and 20 days.

Still, when the pressure gets too much, when I'm stressed, when I make a mistake at anything, the urge keeps coming back.

Since the idea of pain excited me, I got to learn about BDSM. I've read a lot and got to know what I do and don't like. In theory.

Lately, I joined my local BDSM community, hoping I might feel less like a freak for being a masochist after meeting the people there. One problem that occurred is that I'm also asexual and sex-repulsed. And they don't seem to be able to wrap their mind around the concept of being a sub and a masochist AND sex-repulsed at the same time.

(Really, it's not that complicated: I don't need to be naked in order to be tied up, beaten and then praised for how well I took it. And I couldn't care less if the person doing it was a man, a woman or non-binary, as long as I got the sensation.)

Since I've joined the community, I've felt worse than before. I feel like a freak, because what kind of a person wants to be in pain? I feel broken, because what kind of a person doesn't like sex?

The answer is me. I'm this broken freak.

After all of this, my mind is a mess. I don't know what to think or how to deal with all of these mixed up feelings and desires.

I know I'm broken. I have trust issues, which is automatically a huge no-no when it comes to BDSM. It's all about trust and communication, and setting boundaries. I can't do any of this.

My brain refuses to let anyone see me as the wreak I really am. But a part of me wants to be seen as just that. I'm so tired of having to be in control of my every word, every action, every thought, just because of "what people will think". I don't want to be anyone's child or sibling or colleague, I don't want to be responsible and smart and strong. I'm only human, goddammit it! I want to break down and know that I'm allowed to!

There is a special kind of freedom that comes with being powerless. When you realise you have no control and nothing depends on you, when you surrender. You can't do anything wrong when you can't move. You can't say anything wrong if you can't speak. And if you cry, if you scream while being beaten, when there are actual bruises on your skin afterwards, nobody will tell you that your pain isn't real or that it's all in your head.

Maybe the only reason I got into BDSM was because I saw "sadism and masochism" and thought "I'm not the only one, there are other freaks that want to be in pain and who would cause pain". But if you remove the sex from it, is it really the same thing? If they all see the pain as a warm-up, as a foreplay before having sex in the end, then what am I even doing there?

Am I just relapsing in a different way, trying to use BDSM as a substitute for self harm with the exact same results?

I haven't done anything with anyone yet, and most likely I never will. But in case I do... will I be breaking my promise? Will I be using it as a loophole to self harm?

What should I do with this mess I am?

I am 25 years old, still figuring out how to satisfy everyone around me. I sometimes feel why was i even born i am just an extra burden for the earth's population and for my parents. My parents have high expectations for me as they want me to get a govt job and they're highly against the private job. I've trying for like 3 years now i still haven't cleared one. I did cleared pre for 2-3 exams but never cleared the mains. I've this acquaintance from school who's father keeps calling to my father sharing his children's jobs and achievements (his both children became govt teachers) although my father didn't said anything directly but i heard my parents conversations and they are so disappointed with me. I've been trying really hard for all these years but i don't know where I'm lacking or what I'm lacking. And the other people keep nudging my parents about me getting a job. Also my other relatives like my uncles and aunts keep suggesting unnecessary things to my parents like when i asked my parents to let me go somewhere else to join a coaching and prepare. My so called relatives told that it's not safe out there although there own kids are living in a big cities. I've been iving in this overprotective environment for all these years and i really don't want to live like this anymore. I once tried talking to my paa but things got heated and i got slapped twice after that i can't even share anything with them. All my friends have gotten a job somewhere so whenever i tell them something they just don't understand and say things like get a job and they'll be fine (I once got a job in a private company so I'm not a slacker). I don't know who to share all this i keep hearing everyone's opinion and criticism and i can't even get mad at them as it is disrespectful. All this made me extremely anxious and demotivated. Nowadays i feel like an zoo animal trapped in a cage. I am extremely terrified of pain so can't even die as death is really painful. I Don't have anyone to talk to and to share all this or get a little support from them. I know my parents are disappointed in me and i don't want to be like this. I'm sorry if i acted like a brat here.

Thankyou for reading my thoughts, maybe you are the only people I'm sharing all this as i won't be able to say this to anyone.