It may be very hard not to overthink things and not to be on guard after an abusive relationship. One method that may help is to consciously focus on the positive aspects of your new relationship and stop assuming the worst. When you feel youāre starting to overthink, pause for a moment and redirect your train of thought towards how your girlfriend makes you feel in those moments when youāre loved and content. Another exercise is to give a name to your intrusive negative expectations, for example, you can call them Kate (peak your least favorite name). When something begins to worry you without any obvious reason again, tell yourself āAh yes, hello Kate, youāre in my mind again. Well, come in, if you canāt leave me alone. Want some tea?ā By humoring your bad thoughts, you make them smaller, and your rain gradually learns to push them away.
Hey it seems you havenāt resolved this issue by one-time communication with your gf. Talking is key in any healthy relationship. Do not keep it inside, talk to her about everything that scares or worries you. Thatās what partners are for ;)
This sounds very much like Anxious attachment style. Have you heard about it? If not, I advise you to google it.
My recommendation is focus less on your relationships and more on yourself. What do you like doing on your own? What are your hobbies, your passions? Being with someone is easier when youāre interesting not only to that person, but also to yourself. You shouldnāt place your happiness entirely on another person and your relationship with them. Itās actually quite a burden and your partner may resent it. You are so much more than being a partner! Love yourself, and you will be adored, I promise
You should work with your therapist on your abandonment fears. Theyāll ruin all your new relationships until you deal with them.
May I wonder if youāre taking any medications? Have you always been that unemotional? Certain medications may cause apathy and indifference, if youāve noticed these change in you after you started taking meds, you should talk to your doctor about it
@oompa_the_hermit I second this.
Donāt blame your insecuritis and anxiety on yourself, but please, please work through your breakup in therapy. Your current partner is not responsible for your previous unlucky experiences. Also, talk to your partner about all of your concerns to build trust. She should be open and udnerstanding, otherwise sheāll only hold you back on your healing path.
I know how it feels. My divorce messed with my head, and I often feel like Iām ruining all attempts to start datingā¦ I wish I had advice to offer but I donāt. Just know youāre not alone in this š«
Itās all about reprogramming your emotions and fears, about learning to recognize your thought patterns and letting them be, not reacting on them! Youāll find your ways to cope with doom scenarios. For now, simply learn to recognize the feeling and get used to it being just a passing feeling. Also try to introspect: why and when do you feel like that? And how can you help yourself in those moments. For me itās just getting lost in a book or cuddling my pet until my nerves calm down. Then Iām usually ready to talk to my partner.
Have you considered changing your therapist if your current one doesnāt help? Iāve read in another one of your threads that you donāt find them helpfulā¦ If your therapist is not qualified enough to help you cope with the trauma of your previous relationships, youāll always have those trust issues. Iām afraid your girlfriend wonāt be able to help you with it, for itās your story and your pain. Itāll keep causing friction in your current relationships if you donāt weed it out and leave your past in the past. A good therapist should be able to help you with that.
Your last relationship has left you needy of constant validation, youāre still burned. Donāt overthink it, give yourself time to heal. Distract yourself by being busy and doing things you love
Being in an abusive relationship for a significant time can definitely be one of the reasons you're feeling anxious in this new relationship. There's a lot of unknown about how the relationship is going to go, and you might fear that the story will repeat itself. Another reason might be that you pick up on things in this particular relationship that trigger anxiety. It could be that being around their friends or family makes you feel insecure, or small things like them not answering your messages right away. To identify these reasons, it can help to notice your thoughts when feeling anxious. Consider writing them down somewhere so that later, you can look for patterns - note the situation before you started feeling this way and every thought you had. See if you notice any doubts about yourself or your partner's intentions. Understanding specific fears behind your anxiety, such as being hurt again, and acknowledging there are reasons for that, can help you at least accept this feeling. Knowing which situations trigger the anxiety can also help you find ways to manage it better.
For example, if you notice you get anxious when your partner doesn't respond to your messages and you have automatic thoughts like "She doesn't want to be with me anymore," try challenging these thoughts. Consider facts that contradict this belief and explore other reasons for her not replying. When anxiety strikes, try not to push it away, as fighting the feeling can make it grow. Instead, remind yourself that there's a reason it's there (such as being hurt before) however everything is fine at the moment and that the feeling will pass. Take a few deep breaths (e.g., breathing in for 5 seconds and breathing out for 7) and bring your focus back to what you were doing.
It can also help to shift your focus from negative scenarios in your head to the positive aspects of the relationship in the present. Consider how it influences your life in a good way, such as giving you positive emotions or pleasant experiences, and reflect on the qualities you appreciate in your partner. If you want, write these things down to remind yourself later when you're feeling down.
If the anxiety persists, talking through it with a therapist who specializes in relationship issues can be very beneficial. One of the approaches you might want to look into is attachment-based therapy, which focuses on helping people understand their attachment style and gently integrating therapeutic methods to help them work past their fears, rebuild trust, and feel safer in relationships.
Overthinking could be the reason as it breeds doubts, tends to promote misunderstanding in a relationship, creates stress by dwelling on the past and difficulty to even trust a person.
You just need to notice specific situation or moments that make you overthink and write those down. After a while you will start noticing the pattern which can help you recognise the overthinking triggers and why it happens. With this information you can develop a coping strategy for such situations and this way you start becoming aware of it.
Emotional abuse in a relationship also results in social isolation. This could be one reason where you don't feeling anything towards yours family member and girl friend as you feel its better to isolate yourself to protect from any future harm. You may feel you cant handle any more if some one pinpoints anything negative about you so best to stay away from everyone. You may also have difficulty trusting anyone. Generally you may also find yourself re-experiencing traumatic events through nightmares and flashbacks which could be one of the reason of the anxious feeling.
Healing after emotional abuse can be long and difficult process but this can be done right with a good therapist who can understand your pain, help you practise self compassion. You should first resolve these past wounds for your well being.
Along with it you also need to understand your emotional abuse. Understand and think over what behaviour you once saw was normal and acceptable were actually abusive. Deepening your understanding will help you to be aware of what a healthy relationship should be and this will give you confidence in the relationship.