I can’t understand if this is because she needs time or because of my own circumstances. My friend has recently moved in with her lesbian friend. They’ve been together since high school, and it was no secret to anyone. The three of us went to the same university, we’ve had the best time of our lives and went through thick and thin together. I’m heterosexual, but it never mattered, for it’s not our habit to discuss personal life. This summer, my friend had a terrible row with her parents, who are very religious and don’t accept anything that’s beyond their limited views. As a result of it, my friend left the house, she said it was once and for all. She cut off all contact, changed her phone number, and seemed depressed. I arrived to comfort her, but her girlfriend made me feel alienated. We were never close with her gf, my friend was the glue that held us three together. I guess, while they both were open with me and I was single, it made no difference to me. But I’m in my first relationship with a man now, and I was maybe too quick to share my joy with my friend that night when I was at her girlfriend’s house. Their reaction was bewilderment, and I thought I felt a tinge of reproach. Was it because it wasn’t the right time to talk about me? Or were they so used to me being single for decades that they could never imagine me with anyone? Or is it simply this difference between us that never mattered before, but suddenly matters now? I’ve called my friend many times since, and she told me that we should switch to exchanging emails for a while, for her “to see if we can take it further”. What? We spent years horsing around together, and now she can’t dare to see my face? I don’t want to lose her! Any ideas?

I was involved with a man for a brief yet intense period of 3 months. He was a complex individual, and throughout our time together, I often found myself in a state of uncertainty, unsure about his feelings towards me. Despite this, our relationship was filled with so much happiness and excitement. However, things started to change about a week ago. On his initiative, our relationship took a step back. We didn't officially break up, but we stopped meeting in person and limited our interactions to text messages. He initially seemed to be struggling with depression and distanced himself from me. Now, I find myself hesitant about restarting our relationship.

This uncertainty is taking a toll on me, and I find myself in a very bad emotional place, unable to snap out of it.

Hello my name is KJ and my birthgiver will go by the name of George for this.. So here is some background information…

I’m 27 years old and George is 56 years old. I have lived my entire life with George and her parents (my nana and papa). At the age of 14 I met this young man who was 13 years old at the time and in a horrible situation… it ended up working out that it was best that this young man came and lived with us. Once this young man was 19 years old; he decided to inform/ask if he could be in a relationship with George. For the last 8 years George and this young man have been together and now are planning their marriage. Their wedding day is coming up in 3 weeks. Also for background purposes I would like to stat that this young man was my boyfriend at one time when we first met and he is the man that abused me for years while he was still in his teenage years.

So, this last Friday afternoon George took me for lunch and we had a conversation about our relationship going forward. I stated some things about my past and she did apologize for some things and just that was so overwhelming. Than we got onto the topic of how I pushed George away for years and she finally admitted that she gave up on me. That’s where things fell awkward and we finished up lunch and left. Saturday I just simply took the day to process and reflected on what was said on Friday at our lunch. Sunday I finally decided that I was going to message George. I send this… “Mom, as I've been reflecting on our conversation from Friday at lunch, I feel it's important for our relationship to progress slowly from this point forward. I believe it's crucial for you to start your own healing journey by seeking help from a licensed therapist specializing in trauma therapy. You deserve to heal from your childhood wounds and gain insight into mental health to better support yourself and others. I love you deeply, and you'll always be my mom, but I refuse to let negativity control our relationship. I want to build a strong connection with you, but it's your actions and reactions that will shape our future together. If you have any feedback or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me. Our relationship isn't about anyone else but us, though I'll respect your wishes regarding Nana as she does live under your roof. Let's work towards a healthier, happier bond together.” This led to an entire conversation about how I should have known her schedule and I should have chosen a better time to have this conversation… now keep in mind that I sent that message at 4:50pm and I do know that at that time it is dinner time there so I wasn’t expecting a response right away. I stated that I am not in control of her actions and she simply could have said that she was busy and that she would message me when she isn’t busy. At this point George proceeded to say that I would have guilted her or something… our conversation turned into how she doesn’t respect my boundaries and how I wish her to seek professional help from a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma work… George seemed to get really upset with that request… which led to her saying that she doesn’t believe in any of my mental diagnoses and such … finally our conversation finished with George telling me that I should look into my own personal records… so now I’m unsure what to do; I don’t know what else to say to George… does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

I've been doing some thinking lately and I've come to realize something about myself. I think I check all the boxes for emotional coldness and fear of intimacy. I’m deeply uncomfortable with expressing my feelings... opening up about them is torture. Whenever I’m lucky to get close with someone, I pull away for fear of commitment, rejection and perhaps abandonment. This is irrational, I’ve never been abandoned, ever. I haven’t even been in any relationship for more than half a year. :( Why should it be so scary to let others in? I'm stuck in this cycle of pushing people away while desperately wanting someone to break through to me.... almost like I want intimacy but am scared of it at the same time. :( Can it be the reason why I always seem to be attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable? Can it be that I'm drawn to the challenge of trying to break through their walls, even though I can't seem to let anyone break through mine... I tried to trace down the root cause back to my upbringing which only made it more confusing and complicated. My parents were caring and loving towards me, their own relationships were outwardly ideal, rock solid. When I was a small girl, I dreamt my own family would resemble my parents. Thinking back now, I can’t remember much tenderness between them... I never saw any hugs or kisses, they were more like responsible partners and friends than passionate lovers. As a kid, I didn’t find it strange. Should I now?

I have this nagging subconscious voice that tells me if I show a man that I need him, that I can't be without him - I'll become defenseless and uninteresting, a conquered territory. My mind shuts down at the point when rationalization and logic are not enough, and they are not enough for most people. Is it really the fear of intimacy, that I’m afraid to admit I have feelings for someone and sound robotic and business-like? Or is this the fear of commitment? My friend told me I fall for unavailable guys and push away those who’re down for something serious because I’m an avoidant type and a masochist, that deep down I like being hurt… can it be true that I’m somehow mentally damaged in that regard? I’m so frustrated with myself, I crave that closeness and connection but something inside me holds me back...

Hope I won’t be judged here, confessing this was not easy. Thanks for lending me an ear.