I don’t know where to go so here I am. I’d better waste another half hour on typing this than calling another sex line,,, It never occurred to me before to ask for help with this, it was always about other things. More Important Things. And yet the treatment for major depression (MDD) only controls my symptoms. But it doesn’t remove them. I’ve been in therapy for depression until my financial issues and debts made me stop. I also used to be a drug addict but I’ve been clean for years. The doctors always think they have it all figured out… that they’ll just tweak a couple things, reset your dopamine levels and boom… you’re fixed. But I need something else other than antideps, I need serious treatment that I don’t have money for… My depression is not the cause anymore, it’s the symptom. I’m a sex addict.

For a very, very long time I though it was the other way round. My therapist told me my brain lacked the happiness hormones that’s why I found the new source in sex. Bullshit. We’ve tried three antideps over two years. Two of them made me suicidal, the third curbs the libido only slightly. I wish someone had told me when I was 18 that my sex behavior was inappropriate. No one ever tells you that until it’s too late... When you’re a high school student with an insatiable appetite for sex, your peers will only envy you. They don’t see it as a problem. How could I know. I skipped classes just to sneak off with another girl, thinking it was all just a normal part of growing up. If anyone had told me those early experiences would set me on a path of destruction I’d say they were prudes. Ain’t it ironic that the prudes are now living happy lives with their wives while I rot in my self-hatred,,,

My wife left me. Therapy was her idea, so in a way she tried to be patient with me. By the time we met I got clean from drugs and was not hooking up with prostitues anymore. I was absolutely sure my life was taking a new turn. The doctors told me so! I had no more desire for drugs, my depression was still considered non-resistant to medications. They all lied to me or perhaps were delusional because when drugs are invovled you don’t really talk about such small things like sex addiction.

The truth is, as I got older, my addiction only morphed into something more insidious - an obsession with porn and sex lines. My wife didn’t suspect at first. I looked normal, I acted the same way. My porn use was prob around a couple hours a day. Any doctor would call it “average”. But it wasn’t enough. I turned to paid sex lines, sexting and online kinks. But I wasn’t doing anything risky as I did before, no one said I should worry. Where’s the line between a healthy sex drive and an addiction? I can’t even pinpoint exactly when I crossed it. Maybe when I started turning up late for work unable to get up early after I’d been on the phone all night into the early hours. Or maybe when my wife found all the sex messages on my phone and all my extra credit cards. I’m not even sure if she left because of what I did or because of the piling debts… Probably both.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Don’t give me pity. Just fcking warn your boys that sex is not healthy. It’s worse than drugs, no one knows how to deal with it nor wants to, until you get into a state when you literally can’t function, and then there’s a conveniently super expensive clinic somewhere out there to help you with all your problems. I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe I deserve to be alone and hated after all I’ve done.

my mom's behavior. I'm 18 and have been having severe panic attacks for the last year and a half. that's what my psychologist said. I don’t think so myself, because maybe it’s something else. The fact is that I have been living in this condition for a long time and my mother does not allow me treatment. the first year, when this effect had not yet taken hold and I went once to a psychologist with her cuz was underage. session hour. For the first 30 minutes she sat with me without allowing me to really say anything, then the doctor asked her to leave and she stood at the door as if she was eavesdropping...or was it just me? let's ignore this fact, I wasn't sure. After that, my mother said that the psychologist was useless and we would no longer attend therapy. that's it..what's next? Then there are a lot of reproaches and “pull yourself together, you can control this” “program yourself and everything will be fine” “just breathe deeply and everything will pass.” I lost my mind. These phrases began to cause aggression in me. I'll tell you honestly. When a person doesn’t understand your condition and says so, it infuriates me. Before all this, I was experiencing severe stress and wanted to kill myself, which my mother told the therapist about without my knowledge. She also says “look, this child has a disability, he is fighting for life, and you cut your wrists and want to kill yourself.”. (this especially irritates me) She also seems to be ashamed of me. Or she says that she’s tired of me and it’s all my fault, etc. Things got worse over time and I didn’t go into remission at all. and now I go to therapy once a week for panic attacks. And then, it was a necessary measure. By the way, now when I feel bad, my mother gets worried and has a hypertensive crisis, apparently due to stress, for which, of course, she blames me. It’s very difficult for me because I have no one else in my family, and even when I feel bad too and I’m in a panic, I help her, bring her water, etc. And when, during her hypertension, I sit down to check my pulse or blood pressure, I always hear “Everything is fine with you, stop measuring this crap, you’re stressing me out,” it’s all gotten to the point where I get very upset and blame myself for it. Also, many doctors said that I should visit a psychiatrist, but I live in a country where all this is recorded, and even one visit to a psychiatrist could end with me not going to university, not being able to work at a good job, being the scum of society and not I can drive a car..like this. I'm completely confused and don't understand what to do☹️ in a year I will have the opportunity to move in with a girl and leave her. and while I don’t have the opportunity to do this and I’m under the care of my mother, so to speak, then I would really like to get advice on how to learn to perceive it differently or how to ignore it..

I recently started therapy, the issue is that my mom and dad both know I am a trans girl, they got me therapy for dysorphia and apparently besides that I was also diagnosed with ptsd, makes sense, they are my adoptive parents anyways, they are actually my uncle and auntie, but they won’t let me dress like a girl or have makeup or anything cuz of “how I would impact my two infant siblings” ( one is 5 and the other is 3 years old). Just the other night I had a panic attack (* mind you I’m 14) because my mom looked through my Spotify and found an EXPLICiT songs (* mainly feminine rap abt like transphobic men and stuff) and she told me she was setting MORE restrictions! So I flipped out and started scratching myself, then my mom tried making me call the 988 hotline, (* which I’ve called so many times for attempted suicides) anyways I flipped out when she told my dad in the other room, I jumped up when he called me into his room telling me how he was going to kill my dog in front of me, and if I liked blood and hurting myself, he’d make me bleed so much I’d regret it *( by slapping me I guess idek). So i started just standing there while my mother pulled me away into the living room while my dad followed, he started calling me a bitch and saying I was selfish and ungrateful and yadadayda I kinda zoned out and started hyperventilating my mom was holding me down sitting on the coach, I was so scared cuz my dad is fucking HuGE. Anyways I thought I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE…. So jumped up while he’s cali g me slurs and stuff, but he grabs me and wraps his huge ass hairy arms around my neck choking me “ to restrain me” at this point I got tired and remembered many other incidents like this weren’t great, so instead of trying to run out of the house, I was set on using the kitchen knife to kill myself. After all I can’t start HRT cuz I’m only 14 in NM, and my therapist just wants to make plans and I can’t tell her anything cuz of some lease or something where they share my personal details with my parents. While this dude is choking me my siblings come out and are like (DEADNAME! ) stop hurting him! Yadadada and then I start clawing my dads arms cuz I can’t breathe ( it’s funny I still have my bruised ass sore neck) so I just give in hoping he kills me himself until my mom is like “TalK (DEADNAME) talk speak!” ( even tho it’s her dam fault in the first place) so he keeps saying he’s gonna kill my mom or beat her up or something idek, if I hurt myself ever again, but yea I’m getting worse by the minute and I can’t tell my therapist shit… wtf do I do? Mind you I’m not allowed to talk to my friends about this stuff, and my counselors and stuff are dumbasses and don’t even care. HELP

So many thoughts are running through my head when I’m at my lowest, and they’re all spiteful, criticizing, doubting my very existence... And I don’t know what to do without self-harm… My therapist and all my family are constantly telling me it’s horrible, my scars are horrible, and I must stop. None of them have BPD, how can they understand? When I’m close to a psychosis episode and I’m alone, self-harm is my only way out. Pain is the only feeling that can snap me out of it before I lose myself... They tell me to stop, and they make me vulnerable. There’s nothing else to protect me, and it hurts so much that no one can understand me, even my therapist… Don’t they know I can be dangerous? I tried to stab my classmate with a pencil when I was in the fifth grade… It’s better if I’m a danger only to myself, it’s my choice. I don’t want to lose touch with reality ever again… It’s not like I don’t want to stop causing myself pain. I can’t replace it with anything else. My mental illness makes me do it.