i don't know if i would do it one day, but just in case i need to write about the reasons i had to leave it's here.

it's gonna be long so not forcing anyone to read it's some notes for me first.

i'm a person who has creativity in lot of fields but i always lacked confidence to show what i can do, not saying i'm amazingly good but just pursuing my dreams is hard due to my fragile mind. tho the moment i started to believe in myself, i didn't have the shield to protect me from some people that can really destroy you by pure envy.

it would look like i'm blaming everything on others but actually if i never met them, or if i was less naive, my life would have been successful i'm really sure of that, and i'm never sure about anything.

everything started in 2017 when i met 3 abusive persons in a row. yes i use this word because it really affected my health and they are the reason of my s* thoughts.

the first one was a narcissist, i discovered this word with them, and had my first panic attacks since i let them try to step on me when i started being successful.

the second one was actually the person who was using me as a shield against the first person and i didn't realize, when she didn't need me anymore i discovered how vicious she was, she only cared for favors, when i wanted to stop friendship she harassed me online over a year. it caused me my depression i'm still stuck in and self harming.

i met the 3rd one during the harassement, i told her everything about my experience, and yet she was reproducing my fears, what was harder to let go it's because i thought we were sharing a special friend bond, but it was just mimicking, because the moment i said stop to the abuse, she reacted as if i always had been the issue and stole my trauma to lie online, i started to take antidepressants to avoid k*lling myself, she was definitely the worst.

idk what i'm doing wrong for repeating the cycle.

after this abuse tho luck started to show up, because i was focusing my work on me and not giving it to my abusers, so after hard work on creative fields i've been noticed for amazing opportunities, i started to grow in popularity, and i felt i was healing, but guess what, i have been suddenly harassed by jealous fans who spread lies on me, exactly the same kind as my abusers, crazy it's always by sabotage i'm losing. i lost absolutely everything after that because i had to close my business and i'm not contacted anymore despite the receipts of truth. i'm lucky most people defended me because they saw the reality but yet my chance had been robbed. i fell again in this dark place. and since that i don't know what to do

but then i notice i barely been respected my whole life so i'm really a dumbass.

first i've been conditioned by my emotionally immature mom, i only noticed after the depression that her behavior wasn't normal and maybe it's was coerced me into accepting disrespect. she never respects boundaries and don't take accountability, so since a young age i learned to apologize/adapt to others need. my sister is a cool person but i feel i don't really matter to her if it's not to serve some needs, like for example when i propose something to my family i get ignored unlike other members.

when i was in kindergarten, probably due to racism, i was excluded, bullied, but since they were a bigger group than me alone, professors never believed me. it never traumatized me but it definitely taught me to shut myself down.

in middle and high school i was around girls that only cared about superficiality, if you weren't doing everything that everyone else did you were not cool, so they treated me like i was less because i was true to myself, evicting me, never listening to me, and stopped inviting me the day 3 guys stole my phone, but i wasn't that sad because i knew they weren't real friends.

i met real friends at the adult age, because actually, it might sounds unserious but people that develops a frontal lobe got emotional intelligence and won't treat others in a way they wouldn't like.

people that met me always say they adore me but... when you adore a person are you not supposed to respect them and not use them? is the world selfish or am i not acting as i should?

but i feel i still let myself be a doormat to some people that are not "bad", like i notice with some friends of mine how the convo always revolves around them and i don't get the same interest when it's my turn, then i blame myself because it's probably because i made them think it has to be like that, but at the same time i have other friends who don't take advantage like that so why???

or some people asking me free favors because i never say no? like even tho it's my fault for no having boundaries, don't you have morals? some people copying my creations, others never letting me choose, it goes by little things like that i'm liked because i'm convenient, i bring to others, not for me.

i'm also tired of communicating my needs because it never changes, i'm tired i don't wanna fight for me, to be honest it's like i wait either for a miracle either to be hit by a bus i don't care i don't believe in anything anymore.

tomorrow it's my bday and it's the first time i chose to celebrate my day just by myself, because experiences showed me i deserved that. i never been honored the right way, either friendgroup forgetting, my mom ruining the event by not behaving well to others, having to make my day about other people ego centered choices etc.

what makes me sad is that i lost near 20years being stepped on, i don't belive i can win now. i have dreams but i can't because depression is sucking all my energy, it's making me have fears, it makes me be less in shape to be ready for efforts etc.

i wonder do i suck this much to have this life? is there an explanation?

i am 26yo, and ive been going through depression for almost 1 year, im blaming myself for anything bad is happening in my life, i couldnt achieve my goals yet and regret many things i did and didnt do, and i hate myself for this, i am mentally consumed, i cutt off my friends everyone and just isolated my self from the world, i want to do alot of things in my life but my inner self just keep telling me that its too late and i cant do this or anything! Instead i just stay at my room everyday not sleeping well or eating well not motivated to do anything, and tired, i been having delusions, and get panic attacks and anxiaty, whenever i think about my future i lost hope and meaning/purpose of life, i didnt seek help from anyone, i used to live alone, but when i graduated i moved back to my parents house, i thought that my family are the ones suppose to help me through anything, the only person i rely on and consider as my safe place is my mom, i dont have a good relation with my dad and i dont rely on him, but my mom is narcissist and kinda toxic, at my lowest i felt abandoned by her she made my mental health even worst since i moved in, i have a hateful sister that she always feel threatend by me for some reason, she always fake her attitude and her treatment so she can appear as the favorite daughter, and to do so she always have to bring me down and cause me problems with my parents and humiliate me infront of people and her friends, so they would hate me and love her more!! Cuz of my depression i became less tolerating and more violant, so she knows how to get on my nerves everytime she is home, and my parents alwyas on her side they just dont care about my mental health or what i am going through they always blame me for anything and i am always the bad person, i grew up in a toxic enviorenement where there is verbal violance and even physical, now i came to the degree that when i am furious i cant control myself what i say or do i just hurt myself to feel relieved and say mean things, iam scared that i would kill myself one day, i even left the house once, and my mom faint and went to hospital cuz she was scared i would do something harmful to myself then i came back home hoping that things will change no matter how much i communicate about everything with her she just keeps bring me down and as long as my sister in my life, she will always make my life miserable, i cant even focus on myself while living in a toxic house, and i cant live alone rn cuz iam currently unemployed, i love my family no matter how they are or how they treat me but iam so tired they ruining my life as it is already falling apart, idk what to do or where to start,i feel alone without any support, Pls praay for me to get my life on track, i really dont want to live the rest of life like this or do something i will regret!!

my mom's behavior. I'm 18 and have been having severe panic attacks for the last year and a half. that's what my psychologist said. I don’t think so myself, because maybe it’s something else. The fact is that I have been living in this condition for a long time and my mother does not allow me treatment. the first year, when this effect had not yet taken hold and I went once to a psychologist with her cuz was underage. session hour. For the first 30 minutes she sat with me without allowing me to really say anything, then the doctor asked her to leave and she stood at the door as if she was eavesdropping...or was it just me? let's ignore this fact, I wasn't sure. After that, my mother said that the psychologist was useless and we would no longer attend therapy. that's it..what's next? Then there are a lot of reproaches and “pull yourself together, you can control this” “program yourself and everything will be fine” “just breathe deeply and everything will pass.” I lost my mind. These phrases began to cause aggression in me. I'll tell you honestly. When a person doesn’t understand your condition and says so, it infuriates me. Before all this, I was experiencing severe stress and wanted to kill myself, which my mother told the therapist about without my knowledge. She also says “look, this child has a disability, he is fighting for life, and you cut your wrists and want to kill yourself.”. (this especially irritates me) She also seems to be ashamed of me. Or she says that she’s tired of me and it’s all my fault, etc. Things got worse over time and I didn’t go into remission at all. and now I go to therapy once a week for panic attacks. And then, it was a necessary measure. By the way, now when I feel bad, my mother gets worried and has a hypertensive crisis, apparently due to stress, for which, of course, she blames me. It’s very difficult for me because I have no one else in my family, and even when I feel bad too and I’m in a panic, I help her, bring her water, etc. And when, during her hypertension, I sit down to check my pulse or blood pressure, I always hear “Everything is fine with you, stop measuring this crap, you’re stressing me out,” it’s all gotten to the point where I get very upset and blame myself for it. Also, many doctors said that I should visit a psychiatrist, but I live in a country where all this is recorded, and even one visit to a psychiatrist could end with me not going to university, not being able to work at a good job, being the scum of society and not I can drive a car..like this. I'm completely confused and don't understand what to do☹️ in a year I will have the opportunity to move in with a girl and leave her. and while I don’t have the opportunity to do this and I’m under the care of my mother, so to speak, then I would really like to get advice on how to learn to perceive it differently or how to ignore it..

so basically I have finished my high school and I am pursuing medical field (mbbs) and have to give a entrance test in 59 day.but I am experiencing the worst anxiety that I have faced uptill now I was typically a strong minded person who had never faced anxiety or depression in my life but something changed in corona days I had my first ever panic attack in those days and after that I was generally fine with little to no stress related to exams because I was doing well in them. in Pakistan we call 11th and 12th standard college and have to give state mandated exam in the end of it. In my 10 standard I had given a state mandated exam in which I scored 80 percent which was enough for me to get into a great college. uptill now my mental health was at its peak no stress no anxiety only good thoughts but when my 11th exam results were announced I got to know that I had scored only 73percent which is terrible and was almost lowest in the my friend group which completely shattered my heart and my confidence I went through a very rough patch and went into a slight depressive state which I could not brush off .now in may I just gave my 12 exam and I worked very hard in preparation and gave my best pulling all nighters studying 14-15hrs a day but It gave me terrible anxiety putting me in a state of question that is this enough will I score high will my score be enough to get a high merit as medical school is very expensive and seats which are subsidized by country are very limited. I spent the whole of June in depression and had a constant noise In my head to kill myself as if I can't pursue my dream then I am no use to myself or my parents and even with the subsidized seats it will cost my parents upwards of 2000000 rupees and I don't wanna waste that I wanna become a doctor but I can't make myself study for the MCAT due to my anxiety it's reached to a point that I can't even eat anymore and just today I only had breakfast and nothing else the whole day I lay down in my bed and scroll through social media platform to take my mind off this but I still wanna study to get good grades. ( sorry if in-between my sentence structure did not make sense as English is not my first language)