Where do I even begin..

For years I wondered why am I so different,only to find out on my own during a tiktok that hey you might have ADHD combined..I come from a strict religious family where mental health is looked down upon,that if you suffering with anything pray and it will go away.but it's not at a point where that isn't enough.im stuck in a house of toxicity where I'm beginning to feel more and more overwhelmed.at first I just thought it's my personality,until it started spilling into my personal life,that I've been unemployed for so long as my ADHD seems to get worst and worst,I can't go to a doc to get diagnosed as I got helicopter parents and I'm a introvert.they will disown because they feel it is spirits and not a real problem.ive never felt so stuck in my entire life.im always the one they look to for all help,any problem they throw it on me,when I have issues I got no one, because I don't get heard.i get shunned away.that now it's got to a dangerous point.where it's bubbling ,all the emotions.i got no friends,not one,all the friends use me,and when I speak out and set boundaries they leave.i got no other fam, besides my immediate in which they only add and add to my plate.i struggle to find work as my ADHD is at a bad place.i haven't been diagnosed by a doc but I know 99 percent I got it.i can't organize to save my life,I struggle to focus,I can't sit still,I talk alot,I hyperfocus,I struggle to remember or pay attention to people talking or detail.i want out so bad..out of this house ..so I can be alone.just to think and feel and be me,I have no identity away from my parents.they always around,I got no rships in any form because they always in my life making decisions for me.when I try speak up about it,I get guilt tripped or get religious stuff thrown in my face.i am a very loveable and good hearted person but now it's at the point of my mental health,I have even through of suicide.because I feel cornered.i got nobody and nothing,I am very independent but can't find work because of this ADHD.i can't even be on medication because my parents don't believe in that,I tried other pain tabs,cannabis and nothing works.i just want to feel human,I feel like a robot instead,my brain never switches off,I struggle to sleep.i feel like I don't own my life..my parents are my life,I'm 27 and feel 10.they decide it all for me.ive never had people just be there for me in my life they always use me,or take advantage or better yet get close to me to spread gossip and my story to other people.i feel all alone...I'm tired of the arguments in my house,it's taking a toll on me,mentally even physically I've been getting sicker and sicker and they don't even see or shrug it off.im so confused,lost,depressed,in a bad space.i feel trapped in my room.waiting,but waiting for what? When I know no one's coming to my rescue..been currently unemployed I can't even buy stuff, everything is money,so that adds because now my parents pressure me.yet I'm at breaking point mentally,even if I had to start work I'd probably commit suicide or get fired after a day.. because my mental is at such a fragile place.idk how much more I can take till I break...I see others my age,get married,have boyfriends,go out on vacations,go to the mall and I hate myself more and more,I hate social media because it just reminds me of how bad I am in my situation.i never had a easy life,my childhood was worst.and I hate to be a victim or look for sympathy so I've bottled it in for years,and I guess this is the result of years of trauma.now I find comfort in been alone..I just want quiet and peace.but instead I get overwhelmed...I've never fitted in and I didn't have a problem with that when I was younger Until now,when I get shown other people's pics by my mom of what they doing etc.its the same routine everyday,monotonous.that many occasions I don't even want to wake up at all.i just need help or any direction..besides the one I'm in right now.

I hate how men are quick to blame women for the trauma they suffered at the hands of an abuser but not antagonise the perpetrator inflicting the harm. It’s always, “Women should choose better!” but never, “Men should stop being abusive.” It’s “not all men” but EVERY woman and her mother has a story of how she was attacked, harassed or preyed upon by a man.

No survivor, woman or man, would willingly date an abusive person. Often time the perpetrator led them into a false sense of security and there was a power dynamic of sorts playing into it. But every time discussions of domestic violence and protecting women come into play men are READY to deflect accountability and refuse to acknowledge their bias because they’re misogynistic.

Fun fact: domestic violence isn’t just a “woman’s issue”, it impacts men too. Despite it disproportionately affecting them it affects them nonetheless. However because a LOT of men are misogynists or predators themselves, they willingly defend abusive behaviour but have the audacity to get upset when women don’t feel safe around them.

The same way they’ll shout “not all men” should be applied in other scenarios. Not all men are abusers but not all men are protectors either. Not all men are rapists but not all men hold their predator acquaintances accountable.

I very genuinely cannot tolerate other men and will never closely associate myself with them because of it. If you treat women with respect you’re a “simp”, if you acknowledge women’s hardships and that they’re not as privileged as ignorant men believe then you’re a “white knight.” If you don’t bodybuild, uphold toxic masculinity and use women for sex then you’re “gay.”

Men hate women assuming the worst of them but continue to leave terrible impressions by associating with the negative beliefs of what it means to be a man.

And before anyone lacking comprehension skills comments attempting to deflect the main point of this vent, I’m not saying women are incapable of being abusers. I’ve acknowledged that TWICE in this post. I’m just tired of seeing men invalidate women’s trauma because they’re pieces of shit.

Up until September 2022 I’ve spent most of my life people-pleasing and bending over backwards for others with little to no reciprocation. In previous friendships and relationships I was treated like a therapist; a resource; someone to trauma dump on and abandon once the support sought was received. This has been an ongoing pattern that manifested and unconsciously continued until I broke the cycle by deciding to choose myself.

Since beginning to prioritise my wellbeing post escaping an abusive relationship, I began redefining what friendship looks like to me and how I want future connections to form. That involved cutting ties, reframing my perspective, changing my surrounding and adjusting my approach. Now, 2 almost 3 years into my journey I find myself alone because I’ve noticed this generation’s definition of friendship is based off either: what you can do for others, people wanting to experience abundance by proximity, how much you’ll let others take advantage of you or the amount of shallow intimacy had.

There’s a difference between holding space with yourself and isolating, and while I hold space with myself most days I definitely isolate on others. I’m okay with having no friends because I’m protecting my peace and will continue to, however whenever I’m meeting people for the first time and their immediate reaction is to trauma dump I disassociate with quickness.

I understand it’s not always done maliciously but it’s exhausting. I acknowledge that receiving professional help is easier said than done and it’s privilege to have accessibility to mental health services, but trauma dumping on someone you met within hours of meeting them is a red flag for me. Life isn’t sunshine and rainbows 24/7 and I recognise that. I don’t believe in enforcing toxic positivity because that does more harm than good, but where I’m at right now I just want to make connections and enjoy the little goodness that’s left while the world is going to shit.

Being surrounded by people who constantly complain, always see the negative and are problem focused instead of seeking alternatives, acknowledging positives and being solution oriented is very genuinely draining. It’s okay to vent when needed, it helps decompress, but to NEVER have anything good to talk about? That’s troubling to me. Yes, people (apart of your support system or not) are supposed to help in your time of need but they’re not qualified professionals trained to guide you through every traumatic event you experienced. Continuously dumping shit on people without even knowing their capacity to receive potentially triggering information shouldn’t be normalised and is selfish in my opinion, but I unfortunately keep running into people like this.

I love helping others more than anything but I refuse to fall back into old patterns. I’m no longer trying to save anyone, I just hope I inspire people enough to save themselves. General advice, a shoulder to lean on and encouragement is all I can give. I’m tired of being treated like an afterthought, arm candy or expedient. I’ve been traumatised enough by previous trauma bonds and recognising I’ll outgrow those connections sooner or later, I don’t want future friendships/relationships to develop from trauma bonding. I trust in my decision making abilities more than anything but sometimes I feel bad, am I the asshole for immediately disassociating with people who attempt to trauma bond with me?

After some thought and heavy consideration, I’ve made the difficult decision to disconnect from the few people I wanted to call friends. Not because of trivial matters like petty drama or an extreme fallout, but simply because I’ve outgrown them and want to surround myself with different people.

While reflecting, I’ve come to realise a lot of the connections made were built on the foundation of trauma, common interests such as art, anime and general creativity aside. Prior to therapy and support workshops I’d meet people online and in fandom spaces where we bonded over traumatic events in our lives, but over the years I’ve found myself becoming distant.

I’m constantly working to improve myself and my situation, and as I’m navigating different challenges I’m learning something new every day. I have so much love and care for the people I called friends but it doesn’t seem like they’re ready to tackle their hardships head on. And that’s okay, but I want to be surrounded by people who are just as motivated to change the course of their lives as I am.

It’s all about perspective and as I grow, I’m seeing a shift. My glass isn’t half empty, it’s half full, and I’ll continue pouring into it. I understand the challenges of recovery and the discomfort it’ll bring but I’m okay with it. My now ex friends feel otherwise, and that’s okay, but that’s not the energy I want to surround myself with.

“Rewrite and start again.” Lyrics from a song titled “Storytelling” by an independent musician named AfterTheParty. While I love most of his work, this particular song [currently] resonates with me because I'm doing just that. Rewriting and starting again. I’m re-establishing safety and re-defining what friendship looks like for me.

I am the author of my story and I dictate what each page of events will detail. I decide who will be chapters in my life instead of paragraphs and will write a book worth reading, a story worth telling. Starting over is often perceived as a bad thing but that’s not true. Sometimes it’s realising your energy would be better applied elsewhere and recognising your limitations.

Outgrowing people hurts, but it’s apart of life.