This is my life now. I’m a prisoner in my own home. I used to be independent, outgoing, and full of life, but the pandemic erased my life. My world has become smaller and smaller, and I find myself going out maybe once a week, if at all. Even then, it's only for the most essential tasks, and I'm consumed by anxiety and fear throughout the entire experience. The thought of leaving the safety and comfort of my home triggers waves of panic. I had to continue working from home because the thought of returning to commuting was just too much. And even then, I had to take a salary cut because my productivity has taken a hit. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, including myself.

It kills me that I rely on my partner for everything now. He has to run all the errands, go grocery shopping, and take care of our dog. I feel like a toddler, completely helpless and irresponsible, and it's eating me up inside. I want to be able to do these things on my own, but most of the time I can't seem to overcome this paralysis.

Today, for instance, I have anxiety medication waiting for me at the pharmacy, which is just a 10-minute walk away. It sounds like a simple task, but for me it's a challenge. I'm trying to find the motivation to leave the house and make that short trip, but my anxious part is telling me to just call my partner and ask him to pick up my med on his way home. It's a constant battle now, between the rational part of me that knows I need to go out and breathe in fresh air, and the overwhelming inertia and fear that keep me trapped inside.

I miss the days when I could go out with friends, enjoy a meal at a restaurant, or simply take a walk in the park without feeling I’m a hermit lost in a jungle. Now, even the thought of going to a social gathering makes me giddy. I feel like I'm missing out on so much, and my medication does not help me. It only stifles my anxiety for a little while.

Hello! I have a lot to say. I am trying to keep it short.There are lot of issues in my family.One among them is - My dad and mom had parted ways when I was 4 years old. My dad is a psycho. He always troubles our family. There are lot of issues between us in the court and police. I and my mom are currently in my grandparent's house.I do not have a sibling and cousin. I have two cousins,but they are kids.So, I dont have anyone to share my feelings. I do not have friends because no one in this world is interested to help with other's problems. Everyone wants to have friends only just to have fun. No one is true to no one. I just have friends only for formality both in school and college. I am not in touch with my school friends because of the reason I mentioned above. I am currently doing my 2nd year college. I dont like the friends circle here. It was not as expected. I have 2 good friends around me in college. But they too dont understand my problems. Even though they know that I have many issues in my life,they speak only about college matter and other fun stuffs. I always suppress all my feelings inside me since my school life and I got used to that. Now, it has led me into trouble. I cant tolerate it anymore. I want a person to share my feelings and I too want to be true to that person. I need either a friend, cousin, sibling like person or a life partner. I am a loyal,caring, trustable and helping minded person and I need a person with the same qualities for me. I never leave people and run away during their toughest times.But it is hard to find people who do the same to me. It is not possible in this world.

I joined BFSc course in college with my own,whole hearted interest. But I am unable to focus on it even though I want to. I am zero now. I dont know what to do. I feel jealous by seeing people with siblings. They help each other in difficult times and by seeing that I always feel that I dont have anyone for me. It puts me into so much stress. I lack concentration and focus in things I love to do. I got addicted to phone by playing games,listening to music and watching videos because i dont have any true people around me to speak with. I am lagging in everything in my life. I always overthink. I have insomnia. I have fear to mingle with people because my dad always troubles whoever are our close friends or relatives. Surely most of my friends will not be friend with me if my dad troubles them too. Because my friends cant understand my issues. They have been brought up by their parents so happily without facing any issues. So if they know about my dad , they will surely dont be friend with me. ( I am not assuming it.I promise. I analyse people so deeply and correctly. 90% ).

I and 3 of my friends usually walk to our college after getting down from the bus daily. One is a boy and the other 3 are girls. We are dayscholars. My dad once saw us walking together in the road. He came to a temple in that road. I suddenly stopped speaking to my friend and walked fast in front so that my dad will not trouble them. But he went behind and spoke with that boy and asked why he spoke with me. That boy is my good friend . He told that I am his friend. And then my dad warned him and went immediately. My dad did this to give mental torture to me. He didnt mistake that boy. And then when I went near my friend and asked what he said, my friend told no problem we can go. And then I asked him again. Then he told me what my dad said. I called my mom and she apologised to my friend. My friend told he did not mistake me and it is not an issue. He is a good friend . But my doubt is from that day to till now he did not ask me what is the issue between me and my father. He did not ask me what problem i am facing in my life. He always speaks only about fun stuff daily in college. So , i feel he is not a true friend . He only wants to have fun with me. He is good,loyal, helping minded person. But I dont understand why my friends dont care about my issues.

My dad may again come to that road and make more trouble than before. My fear is people around me in that road may mistake the problem and think that I am not obeying my dad. So I feel helpless. My mom told about that incident to the court and the judge warned my dad. But as I told my dad is a psycho he will trouble us again.

In future wherever I go for work or higher studies , there also my father may trouble me , and I feel that people around me wont help me and understand me. That is my major problem. Most of the people in this world are selfish and dont want to help others. I feel so depressed nowadays. I am helpless. I have mentioned here only some of my issues. A lot are there...Please help me out. I am helpless.

I experience strange feelings....One week I am sad and I lie down, I can't do anything...Another week I am up and cheerful....What it depends on, I don't know. When I am depressed, I feel that emotions leave me and I can't feel anything...and I would like to have some emotions. Life becomes empty and I don't see any meaning in it. I'm not afraid of death for a long time, moreover, I don't treat it badly. In a terrible depression I lie and struggle with my thoughts...I drink alcohol to drown the longing....usually life wins...but I get tired of the struggle. Emotions come up and I come alive. When I'm on the upswing, I want to socialize, I'm fun. But sometimes too much, I behave strangely. I start acting like a real actor, I get into the role and it's weird for others because I say ridiculous things...And I'm embarrassed. Then I run away from people and I'm alone again. ...It's unbearable. I'm split because one half of me is still sensible and the other half is completely mischievous. ...It's so hard to exist...I've already tried to quit living, but I immediately call myself an ambulance, it's my other half that wants to live.

I'm a serious adult, I'm over 40 years old..... And then I fell in love like a young man. I can't say I'm happy. I'm angry! Why should I do this now? And I suddenly fell in love with a young girl. That's how it happens. I'm shocked at myself.

I am not alone, I have been living with my wife for a long time. She is a good woman, the mother of my children. I have confidence in her. I'm not going to leave, and I wasn't planning to look for a woman. And then love happened. I am tormented, all the time thinking about my feelings and I am torn from wanting to see the girl and run away from her.

Yeah, our sex life with my wife is pretty low key. And I really want to spend time with the girl I'm in love with. But I'm not interested in her as a person. She's primitive, she's a child. And it makes me feel bad

She's 24 years old, but she's like a child. She wants laughter, presents, and fun. She says such stupid things! How could I, so smart, like this....

That's exactly the thought that keeps me going.... At night, too. I call myself an old fool. And I write to my girl. And I think I'm going crazy. Love at that age is crazy and stupid...